Reflections on my autism diagnosis

[andrewducker]

It's a few months since I got my autism diagnosis, and I've now been asked by a few people if I thought that it was useful.

And in a purely technical sense* the answer is no. It's not made any real difference to my life. I already had a job. The job is already pretty flexible. So there's nothing technical that I need it for.

What I *have* noticed is that I've changed from feeling a defensive "I know what I need to be effective, and I'm willing to fight for it if I need it." whenever I'm doing anything in an unusual way. Instead I feel a "Fuck you, I'm autistic, and this is how I work.", which means I'm carrying around a fair bit less stress**.

Additionally, by me being open about it at work I've had a couple of people open up to me themselves. And I'm getting involved in how we deal with neurodiversity at work. And hoping to make a positive difference to people. And outside of work people have also come to me to talk about issues, and I've (hopefully) been helpful to them.

Plus, of course, I'm no longer carrying around the I'm a bad sparrow voice in the back of my head. Not that I did a lot of that, but it's nice to not have any of it at all. And if I wanted to go to an autism support group or something like that, then I'd be able to do so without feeling as weird about it.

So, although it hasn't made a massive difference to my life, it's definitely made a positive one. And if you were thinking of getting an assessment yourself, then I'd say it was worth kicking off the process, even if the current state of the NHS means it might take a while.


*Which is clearly the best one ;-)
**Although obviously I'd phrase it more politely when dealing with senior management. Probably.

Comments

[channelpenguin]

this is fascinating. I would have assumed that working lifelong in IT, that there would be no practical differences (it is kind of a given that most of us are more or less "odd"), but the emotional dimension is interesting.

I have personally felt pretty much zero need to explain myself in 30+ work years, but maybe I am a) not actually in any way autistic (lol, but it is possible) b) really really thick-skinned / unobservant (hmm yes, probably).

I have always assumed my colleagues all have their "little ways" and pretty much tried to cater for them (where it doesn't get in the way of everything for everyone for too long).

But I grew up with a family of engineers / highly numeric/ musical / odd folks with dubious social skills, and all my partners have been similar, so I guess maybe I was used to such!

[andrewducker]

Most other developers will have their little ways, yes. In my experience it's managers who don't seem to understand at all.

(Not my current ones - current employer is great.)

[channelpenguin]

Ah, ok. Pure managers have never been my direct report, I don't think.

[fyre]

I know when I got my diagnosis it recalibrated my perspective of how and why I work the way I do and made it all made a lot more sense to me. It's definitely lifted a mental barrier that I was "doing it wrong". It's not wrong. It's just a different way that is how my brain works - the work gets done (and more efficiently, thank you very much) but just not with as many ridiculous bureaucratic hoops.

Plus it explained so much about all the times I was reproached for being too direct/blunt/straightforward when I should have apparently been making office-based variations of polite waste of hot-air small talk with bosses, customers et all to massage their egos and make them happy instead of just doing my job as quickly and efficiently as possible. That was quite the epiphany XD

[andrewducker]

I'm really glad it helped!

[channelpenguin]

It's good if you are in a pure technical position where the boss/customer interaction management isn't part of the job. A sympathetic but more political team leader or customer PO is a superb resource, I always find.

[fyre]

Gosh yes. The level of stress I had in customer-facing work was astronomical, especially in-bound calls and queries 7 hours a day. I could do it, but I was so wrung out by the end of it, my nights were spent in an exhausted haze.

My current job is in a quiet office where I manage the workflow and I get maybe 2-3 queries a day, if that, and I'm still able to do stuff I enjoy in the evenings :) Work no longer eats all my mental battery.

[channelpenguin]

That sounds like a huge improvement!

I'm not customer facing either but work still eats my mental battery, I think. So much to learn...

[cmcmck]

Well I was an unusual sort of teacher even allowing for my different sort of life's experience getting in the way (special needs specialists tend to be) and it worked for me and for my kids!

[vereybowring]

It's always good to get assurance of yourself, be it good or bad. Also knowing why your thought processes are unique does mean adjusting expectations a little but should give confidence in what you do.
For me, my diagnosis made sense of many things that happened in my life as well as reassurance I wasn't just ill (I do not miss all the psychiatric meds they tried on me). OK I have other issues to deal with but at least I don't have to worry about some things as much any more.
My nephew got a diagnosis early so entered adult life with at least a little idea of how the world is going to affect him. He's still going to have challenges that I can't imagine (every neurodivergent is unique after all) but at least he knows he can go get support and help. My sister always asked me for advice about him since she had noticed he was a lot like I was as a child, partly that's what got me to go get a diagnosis, and I still advise on occassion. Us late diagnosed had to fumble about a little, and no doubt mistakes were made. On the other hand we already lived a big chunk of life and figured out some things on our own.

[andrewducker]

I totally agree with all of this, and I'm really glad you got to help your nephew.

[wildeabandon]

This definitely resonated with me. Long before I was diagnosed I'd essentially managed to build a life with the kind of accomodations I needed, so it made much less practical difference than the ADHD diagnosis. But the psychological shift of no longer seeing my autistic traits as a personal failure has been profound.

[draigwen]

What sort of difference did the ADHD diagnosis make?

Yesterday I was talking to someone about some of the issues I have and he said I definitely sounded autistic and possibly ADHD (he runs the work ND network so I guess knows how to recognise things). I've suspected autistic for a long time but never considered ADHD before, but it does make a lot of sense now that I'm thinking about it.

[wildeabandon]

What sort of difference did the ADHD diagnosis make?

The drugs have been absolutely life-changing. I'm one of the lucky ones for whom they have a powerful theraputic effect, with no noticable side-effects.

[zz]

i am *so* over being told i "need to learn to communicate".

[andrewducker]

You've always seemed fine at communicating to me.

[zz]

it's more a work thing, about being too blunt and/or forgetting human interaction is about more than conveying information.

and when i'm expressing an opinion, prefacing it with "it feels to me..." or similar, because apparently that makes people more willing to consider someone else's opinion/emotions than just saying "x is ..." even if the rest of the content is the same...

[andrewducker]

That sounds very familliar.

Maybe you could wear a t-shirt with them on?

[vivdunstan]

That's fascinating! Thanks for sharing. I keep trying to encourage my husband to get investigated. We have a private option we can afford almost on our doorstep ... Though he probably won't get round to getting it done. But it's really interesting to see how having this diagnosis has worked out for you. I read out the sparrows and penguin post to Martin too. He was wowed.

[andrewducker]

I'm glad he liked it!

[agoodwinsmith]

I am wondering, since you feel your children may also experience this square peg round hole thing, whether you think having your own diagnosis will give you more power in relationships with "experts" who may have snazzy ideas about your children. Or, worse, are you worried that said "experts" may brush you off as anecdotal?

[andrewducker]

Don't know, to be honest. Will probably depend on the doctor we see!

[draigwen]

Thank you so much for posting this.

I think at this stage I want to wait to see what happens with Sam and his assessment before I start considering my own. I don't think my brain can cope with both at the same time.

I'm actually wondering if a diagnosis will be more helpful for my friends and colleagues, rather than me, so they can understand me better. It may also help me explain to them why some of the things they say can be really hurtful to me.

[andrewducker]

Happy to (hopefully) help!

Queuing up the diagnoses sounds helpful. Hopefully it'll help you bring things together.

[myka]

I'm happy for you!

[andrewducker]

Thank you!

[fub]

I've heard more often that having a diagnosis is a bit of a relief, in the sense of "I'm not defective, I'm just different".

My niece, who is turning 20 in a few days, also has an autism diagnosis, and for her it has worked wonders. She can recognise why she acts the way she does, and can set realistic expectations for herself and her environment. She is smart enough to recognise the patterns of behaviour of others and react accordingly. She's a delight to have around, because she is so reliable.