I hate speaking for women
Apr. 9th, 2021 02:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
andrewduckerEvery so often a friend posts something funny or interesting in a locked post.
And when they do I ask if they'd be comfortable with me reposting it. Occasionally they unlock the post to make it shareable. Men do this more than women.
Recently this happened twice on the same day. And both women said I was fine to copy/paste, and both of them asked for no credit, and when I (thinking of writing this post) asked them for specifics, one of them had a specific abusive stalker that meant she was keeping her account locked, and the other had some previous-work people she wanted to avoid, and friends of her deeply unpleasant ex. They didn't even want me to say that much on the posts, because why risk things?
I know way more women who keep their account locked than men for these kinds of reasons. And that's not to say that I haven't had difficult relationships, and exes that I'm not on good terms with. It's that I'm not physically terrified of them, because it's dramatically much less likely that they'd ever physically try and hurt me, no matter how much they are upset at me.
And so I become the voice for funny, interesting, or important things that women have said, and they don't exist to the outside world.
And I hate that.
And when they do I ask if they'd be comfortable with me reposting it. Occasionally they unlock the post to make it shareable. Men do this more than women.
Recently this happened twice on the same day. And both women said I was fine to copy/paste, and both of them asked for no credit, and when I (thinking of writing this post) asked them for specifics, one of them had a specific abusive stalker that meant she was keeping her account locked, and the other had some previous-work people she wanted to avoid, and friends of her deeply unpleasant ex. They didn't even want me to say that much on the posts, because why risk things?
I know way more women who keep their account locked than men for these kinds of reasons. And that's not to say that I haven't had difficult relationships, and exes that I'm not on good terms with. It's that I'm not physically terrified of them, because it's dramatically much less likely that they'd ever physically try and hurt me, no matter how much they are upset at me.
And so I become the voice for funny, interesting, or important things that women have said, and they don't exist to the outside world.
And I hate that.
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Date: 2021-04-09 02:00 pm (UTC)Although it is better to share (and acknowledge) their funny, interesting, or important things so others can appreciate them, too, than not.
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Date: 2021-04-09 02:13 pm (UTC)(And I checked with both of them before posting this)
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Date: 2021-04-09 02:40 pm (UTC)And as you say, there are reasons.
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Date: 2021-04-09 02:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-10 12:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-10 05:37 am (UTC)(What's your Tumblr?)
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Date: 2021-04-10 05:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-10 05:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-10 06:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-10 05:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-10 05:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-12 01:13 am (UTC)It's very frustrating, yes. People who are disproportionately vulnerable to risk avoid public engagement for safety, and what the public sees is "those folks don't participate here" (whether that's women or some other group). It stinks.
Another way this can manifest, besides stalker exes (which I fortunately haven't experienced), is in the workplace -- "do you want to work again in this town?". Even in the 21st century (and even in the late 20th), women are too often penalized for doing the exact same things that men are rewarded for. In this century I was told, by a male manager, that I am "too assertive for a woman" (!). I was participating in team discussions in exactly the same way my male peers were. And people wonder why there are so few women in tech. (Yes, I began keeping a log and eventually was able to change managers. No consequences for him 'cause I couldn't prove it.) Even more recently, I was told by a woman manager that "we women" need to be careful how we raise concerns or speak up. I think that's BS; her job as a manager is to protect and support her team members, not play into stereotypes. But my broader point is: women, even women in tech companies that talk the talk about peer collaboration and open doors and all that nonsense, learn to be circumspect. How many good ideas are never brought up because of this? I wonder if it's more than the number that are and are then claimed by or attributed to the white men on the team instead.
When this sort of thing happens in the workplace, I think it's natural for it to spill over into other areas. People who are afraid of being branded as troublemakers for daring to raise issues in a code review might also be concerned about those people finding their blog posts. It's easier to go to ground. And that sucks.
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Date: 2021-04-12 05:32 am (UTC)And, of course, women putting forward their ideas quietly in meetings then frequently have them picked up by others who then take the credit (I try to amplify them when I see that happening, but I know it's not always effective and not everyone does it).
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Date: 2021-04-12 05:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-25 07:59 pm (UTC)One of the lessons I've slowly learned, over the past couple of decades, is that the viewpoint of, "Everyone should be encouraged to speak freely" (which is a key underpinning of a lot of peoples' philosophy) is a very, very privileged viewpoint.
I do what I can to make things better for everybody, but I've come to painfully learn that I can't just wish away the problems that prevent lots of people (not just women) from feeling like they don't have the privilege of speaking freely...