Life with two kids: There were 5 in the bed, and the little one said "Waaah!"

[andrewducker]

We co-slept* with Sophia since the beginning. Part of this was because having her in the bed was so much easier, but most of it was because every time she went in to the crib she would literally claw at its walls, and scream non-stop. It did turn out to make life much easier though. Without having to get out of bed to feed Sophia she could wake up, feed (frequently without waking Jane up) and go back over within a matter of seconds. Nobody had to get out of bed to comfort her**, and she happily went over easily nearly every night.

However - we didn't want her sharing the bed with us until she was 16, so at some point we were going to have to get her into her own room. Which she has, with a bunch of her toys, books, and her bed in it. She loves it, and will regularly demand to go to "Ea Bed", where she will sing, dance, and have books read to her - before deciding she was sleepy, and coming through to our bed to sleep. We suggested sleeping in her bed, but she wasn't interested. And it wasn't a fight we really wanted to have with a two-year-old when we didn't really have to.

However, once Gideon came home things were a bit different. For a start two children in one bed (even a really big one) leads to a fair chance of them rolling into (or on to) each other. As well as that if one wakes up noisily then they'll tend to wake up the other one, leading to a possible cycle of children keeping each other awake, and nobody getting any sleep at all.

But we arrived back from hospital exhausted, and decided we'd work it out as we went along. And we made do with having our initial setup being me (on one side of the bed) then Sophia, then Jane, then Gideon, then the crib (on the other side, strapped to the bed and at the same height as it). And that meant that everyone was safe, even if we did have to be a bit careful. It didn't feel terribly sustainable, but we weren't sure what a good next step would be that didn't result in a few weeks of even worse sleep.

And then, we were very very lucky. Almost exactly two weeks after Gideon was born (4am on a Monday) he was kicking off, and all of us were awake, and tired, and Sophia looked at me exhastedly. And I said "He's very noisy, shall we sleep in Sophia's bed?" And she said "Yes". So I scooped her up, carried her to her room, climbed into it, and we fell asleep curled around each other.

I was absolutely desperate to turn this into a habit. And so, the next day I took her to her bed again, and climbed into it (thinking that I'd have to sleep in there for a week or so, to get her used to the room, before slowly retreating out of it). At which point she said "Daddy out. On floor." So I climbed out of her bed, settled her into it, read her six stories back to back, and she fell asleep in her bed by herself, at which point I snuck out back to bed with Jane and Gideon, feeling somewhat astounded.

She's slept in there every night since (one and a half weeks). She doesn't necessarily sleep in there the whole night - and she tends to wake up around 1:30 and around 4:30 and need to be settled again each time. But she's getting better and better at being settled back in her own bed rather than insisting on coming in to ours. Sometimes she'll let me read her back to sleep, sometimes she insists on Jane. Sometimes she's happy to sleep, other times she's clearly only half awake and all she can do is wail for three minutes before passing back out again. But the direction of travel is good, and I am delighted that she is adjusting.

(And that occasionally I actually get to give Jane a hug before we fall asleep, because there isn't a small child between us.)

*I went and did a bunch of reading when I realised this was where we were heading, and it turns out that 90% of co-sleeping SIDS is totally avoidable if you don't drink, don't smoke, and don't co-sleep on the sofa (details). This brings the rate down to 1 in almost 75,000.

**I have no idea how people who have their children at the other end of the house cope.

Comments

[momentsmusicaux]

I found co-sleeping utterly horrific. I turn a lot in my sleep, so I had to be on the outside. And I soon ended up with a tiny sliver of bed in which I could barely fit sideways. So I ended up sleeping on the guest bed. The whole thing was miserable. I don't know how people put up with it.

[andrewducker]

Largest bed we could get, and I don't move much. So plenty of space for me.

Although when there's Jane, Gideon, Jim, Sophia, and me all in at once it can be a bit of a squeeze.

[momentsmusicaux]

We had a super king as well -- it's huge! I still got squeezed out! Herbie used to rotate sideways, and gradually shove us all towards my side. He used to have half the bed to himself; I'd check in the night.

It was utterly miserable.

[drainboy]

Normally we have Ada in her room about 10 steps from ours, on the same floor. Walking there and back again in the middle of the night requires no brain power and only a few seconds of time. Doing the same where we were on holiday involved two doors, a flight of stairs and a baby gate. The difference is significant and led to much more disruption both in our sleep due to the walk and in her sleep as she'd be crying for longer.

Also means if you're not the person dealing with the baby, then you might not get disturbed as much, depending on how light you sleep, how disturbing dealing with the baby is, how often it happens during the night and a host of other variables specific to your circumstances. I generally slept worse when Ada was actually in our bed, as I'm a light sleeper and ended up with limited room. Everyone's mileages obviously greatly vary :)

[andrewducker]

That they do! I can sleep through Gideon waking up, complaining, and Jane settling him again. But a small noise from Sophia in the next room and I'm wide awake and reaching for my glasses.

[drainboy]

Good to know your subconscious is well trained.

Like a fly beneath a swiftly descending newspaper, I am often airborne towards my goal before my legs have told my brain what's happening.

[channelpenguin]

Only ever weekends etc, but we slept with Jean's son in the bed as long as I have been with Jean (no other options!). He wasn't a baby, but about 1/1.5 at the start. A normal UK ish sized double bed, a tad short by German standards at 192 cm. Last couple of years I have slept on the sofa or they have as Matteo turns sideways and badly grinds his teeth, Jean snores, they both twitch horribly for long periods of time (does not wake them up but when Jean does it it earthquakes the bed!). He had his own room at his mother's from the time his twin siblings were born (4). We have a few times tried him on his own in the bed and us both on the couch, but usually it is me n bed and them on the (huge sofa bed) couch since I tend to be sleepy before him (this is Deeply Wrong, in my book, but there you go)

[calimac]

I suspect there's several things going on with Sophia's independent sleeping. One is, no doubt, as you suggested the simple fact of Gideon's crying disturbing her rest. But also, in line with something I wrote earlier, I suspect the arrival of a small baby may be stimulating her sense of herself as a more independent and responsible person, one who sleeps in her own bed like a big girl. And that emotional growth may include occasional relapses.

[andrewducker]

Yup, I agree. She's definitely much more competent and adventurous than she was a few months ago. Although what is "not spending all her time isolating with her parents", what's "natural development" and what's "I'm not the baby of the family any more" is going to be impossible to tease out!

[nickbarlow]

I don't have kids, but I'm wondering if sleeping with a cat for however long helped prepare you for co-sleeping with a child? I'm remembering how many nights featured the "OK, so I'm going to have to sleep like this" moment when you realised the cats had settled and you couldn't move around them.

And probably won't be relevant for you, but I remember when my niece was born my nephew (almost 6 at the time) got annoyed that he had to stick to his regular bedtime while (in his mind) she was allowed to stay up later.

[andrewducker]

Having learned to make compromises is never a bad thing, and frequently useful.

But Jim (who likes to sleep in my crotch, heat loving beast that he is) is definitely easier to deal with. I can, after all, just dump him on the floor if he gets too annoying. Which is, I believe, frowned on in today's politically correct culture if you do it to a newborn.

Sophia doesn't get jealous of bedtimes, largely because she doesn't have one (it's pointless to take her to bed early. She falls asleep between 9:30 and 10:15 no matter what). But she has gone from self-weaning (feeding only once or twice a day and clearly more for comfort than food) to shouting "my boob!" and demanding that she get a turn after him, to the point where her food intake has dropped. Thankfully this is now tailing off a bit.

[agoodwinsmith]

I'm sorry - I know that all this sharing/not sharing beds is fraught - but I am seriously tickled by the image of a small person shouting "my boob" at any moment, any where. :)

(Also, I didn't share a bed for sleeping with anyone but cats until I was 33, so my perspective on shared sleeping surfaces may be somewhat squewed.)

My mental image includes small hands on small hips.

[andrewducker]

One hand on hip, one pointing. And it is hilarious.

[snippy]

I was adamant about not sleeping with my kids-I only ever had my own bed starting when I was 14 and I was determined to only share it with my spouse. I now wish I'd been more compassionate. And my younger son, who is 30 years old!, still crawls into my bed as if it's the special retreat where only he can relax. Glad to read about it working well for your family.

[andrewducker]

Thank you!

And I'm glad your youngest is still close to you!