Advice to a new dad
Jun. 17th, 2019 07:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
andrewduckerI was chatting to my brother over the weekend, who is currently waiting for a baby to burst out of his partner[1]. And I was thinking about what advice I wish I'd had before Sophia was born. And I passed on a few bits and pieces (much though I feel that new parents are overburdened with advice I couldn't help myself). And then thought I'd share more widely.
1) Remember at all times that no matter how tired you are, your partner is almost certainly much more tired. Basically, give her a free pass for the first few months, if not longer. (The hormonal changes a few days in are no fun either)
2) There is no point just comforting a crying baby - they just don't understand what you're trying to do. Distract the fuck out of them instead. (This from a baby psychologist on a BBC documentary. Obviously if something is actually wrong then fix it.)
3) Babies are their own tutorial. They start off really simple, with about three things to remember, and then once you've got the hang of those things they start adding new ones on. But you don't need to panic about whether you can do it, it's not complicated, just full on.(This was excellent advice Adam gave me before Sophia was born)
4) Bonding - do not panic if it takes you six months (or longer) to fall in love with your child. I certainly felt incredibly protective of Sophia from the moment she was born, but I didn't feel fully connected to her until she was able to smile at me, and we could have some kind of interaction. It's really easy to feel awful because all the TV and movies says it happens instantly, but it can take a fair while, so don't worry about it. (Thanks to Hal for this one)
5) Ignore any advice you don't like.
[1] or Spring Forth from. Or Request An Exit Visa from. I've lost track of the current terminology.
1) Remember at all times that no matter how tired you are, your partner is almost certainly much more tired. Basically, give her a free pass for the first few months, if not longer. (The hormonal changes a few days in are no fun either)
2) There is no point just comforting a crying baby - they just don't understand what you're trying to do. Distract the fuck out of them instead. (This from a baby psychologist on a BBC documentary. Obviously if something is actually wrong then fix it.)
3) Babies are their own tutorial. They start off really simple, with about three things to remember, and then once you've got the hang of those things they start adding new ones on. But you don't need to panic about whether you can do it, it's not complicated, just full on.(This was excellent advice Adam gave me before Sophia was born)
4) Bonding - do not panic if it takes you six months (or longer) to fall in love with your child. I certainly felt incredibly protective of Sophia from the moment she was born, but I didn't feel fully connected to her until she was able to smile at me, and we could have some kind of interaction. It's really easy to feel awful because all the TV and movies says it happens instantly, but it can take a fair while, so don't worry about it. (Thanks to Hal for this one)
5) Ignore any advice you don't like.
[1] or Spring Forth from. Or Request An Exit Visa from. I've lost track of the current terminology.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-17 09:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-17 09:42 am (UTC)Hugh's is 13 now.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-17 11:26 am (UTC)Wow. Say congratulations from me.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-17 12:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-17 10:22 am (UTC)7) It is possible to read a book by torchlight with a glass of wine while encouraging a baby to sleep; this makes it much more bearable.
8) You're allowed to put them down somewhere safe and take a break before you get homicidal.
9) For the first three months or so, they will go to sleep in restaurants as a defensive response to the noise and stimulation. This is good.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-17 10:24 am (UTC)And we had her out in cafes and restaurants from day 4. So she's always been totally used to it, which makes it a lot easier.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-17 11:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-17 12:11 pm (UTC)So much easier to pull up over their arms.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-18 07:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-18 07:13 am (UTC)Can't imagine many people would like that.
(And they have bigger heads relative to their necks than adults do, so it's usually quite tight)
no subject
Date: 2019-06-17 12:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-17 12:16 pm (UTC)And seeking help at once if it shows up.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-17 04:12 pm (UTC)This is my favourite advice. I found this a lot harder once my child was actually born. Before then I felt able to let unwanted advice I disagreed with float over my head, but I found it harder to do that when you have the actual baby in my arms.
Relatedly, probably best steer clear of the baby-rearing wars (feeding, sleeping, etc). Check out a range of approaches and then go with what feels right to you and the child's mother. You will not be on top form for arguing and you do not need to win arguments to care for your child the way you think right. And I say this as someone with very strong Views about the right answer to many of the usual disputes.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-17 04:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-17 04:21 pm (UTC)(90% of SIDS deaths are with a smoking mother, and a fair chunk of the rest seem to be labelled that way despite them actually being from drunk parents rolling on to their child.)
no subject
Date: 2019-06-17 04:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-17 04:24 pm (UTC)