A point of ettiquette

[andrewducker]

[Poll #1780226]

Comments

[zz]

although i am curious as to who/what seems to have offended at least 3 people i know.

[andrewducker]

Ooh, who got offended?

(Could be multiple different incidents too)

[poisonduk.livejournal.com]

I suspect multiple incidents!

[zz]

http://www.facebook.com/isserlis/posts/2444443871704

http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=2252060693358&id=1003493069

[andrewducker]

I can see the first one (which is unrelated) but not the second.

[poisonduk.livejournal.com]

Roys incident was totally unrelated - he was affected by someone outside this friends circle.

[rosamicula.livejournal.com]

I think it depends entirely what the thing is, really.

[undeadbydawn.livejournal.com]

I may be unusual in this regard:

when people do things that annoy me, I tell them. I tell them why it annoys me, and ask them to stop doing it.

this can go either way - some people immediately apologise and 'try not to do it again'

others grin wickedly and do it more, blatantly in my face. and are then generally very surprised when I smile back and, as gently as I can possibly manage, physically stop them doing it.

I them make it very clear that I appreciate they have their own habits, and I cannot expect other people to behave in ways I find more acceptable.... but deliberately being offensive will not work.

works the same way with me. If someone tells me I'm doing something they don't like, I'll talk it out with them and try my best to stop - or at least not do it when they're around.

[red-phil.livejournal.com]

or third option.
They say, well I need/want to do it even if it annoys you.
I won't do it more to annoy you, but I am not going to stop doing it just because you are being finicky.

[undeadbydawn.livejournal.com]

curiously, this almost never happens.

the only person I can recall saying so is my daughter

[pozorvlak.livejournal.com]

If you don't tell said person about it, they won't know how much it annoys you. Calm down as much as possible, write the post, then privately point them at it, stressing that they're just the straw that broke your back. In future, when someone else does it, you can point them at your post.

[call-waiting.livejournal.com]

Also, because I keep forgetting,

[cosmolinguist]

Waiting a week also has the advantage of seeing if you still care about it after that long.

(I admire the psyops of this poll too; now everyone will be wracking their brains wondering what they might have done yesterday. Except me, cos I've been offline at #ldconf :) )

[andrewducker]

I decided that being meta would be calming enough for now and get other people's opinions. A win-win!

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

I'd go with none of the above, if somebody does something that annoys me, I try to have a quiet word with them about it to say hey, did you realise when you do or say this, I feel like this. And an interesting and meaningful conversation may come out of it.

[andrewducker]

And if it's something you encounter repeatedly from a wide variety of people?

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

Ah, so if it's a generic sort of thing that people tend to do, like... I can't think of an example off the top of my head. Then yeah, perhaps I'd write a generic LJ post.

Oh, like how people with babies think everybody else must be fascinated by their childs bowel movements, and want to hear about it 24/7, and ye gods people give it a rest already.

Then yeah, that sort of thing I'd rant about in my LJ.

... or indeed in somebody elses LJ.

:)

[andrewducker]

Yeah, that kind of thing :->

[alitheapipkin.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid I'm not sure I can judge that without more info. It rather depends on the circumstances and what the offending behaviour is.

If it's serious, as opposed to something we could probably all laugh about, including the offenders, then I'd go for direct contact before bitching in their hearing, unless you are happy for them to potentially flounce off in a huff. And personally I don't see the advantage of waiting a week because if it were me, I'd have been stewing about it all week so a delay just makes it seem an even bigger deal.

[calum]

In general, if someone does something which annoys me, I will either..

a) Tell them nicely, and directly (not on LJ)
b) STFU - if I cant tell them directly, I wont moan indirectly..

if its someone I dont know, anonymous stranger for example, or in some other way I'm complaining about the behaviour without it being specifically about that person - then I might moan online.

[andrewducker]

This is something that's quite widespread, so I want people, in general, to know I don't like it.

[marrog.livejournal.com]

If it's a widespread thing I think you're okay to rant off the bat.

Also speaking as an annoying person, if I'd done something that annoyed you that was also a widespread behaviour, I would (a) want to know and (b) not be offended by the post.

[zz]

this, provided "i don't like people doing x" and "doing x means you're a Bad Person" aren't conflated.

[alitheapipkin.livejournal.com]

In that case, I think you are probably fine to just have a rant on LJ and be done with it. If loads of people do it, then it shouldn't result in one person feeling picked on and singled out. And if you can probably manage to phrase it in a constuctive way all the better.

[calum]

Maybe worth doing both then - have a quiet chat with the person who did it recently, and then post about it without naming them or others who do it?

[momentsmusicaux.livejournal.com]

Depends if the person who did it reads this LJ! If not, then 2 or 3.

[poisonduk.livejournal.com]

Well I find the same thing annoying but it's a hard one. I know on occasion I've done the annoying thing and I have now learnt when the right time to step back is(Plus i know i was involved in this incident). I've realised life doesn't revolve around LJ and FB and they're just extensions which unfortunately people use to voice their opinion without thinking. There's a line to be drawn between lively debate and OMG I AM RIGHT LISTEN TO ME! I now walk away. I do the same thing IRL. Most common things I now walk away from are the which mobile phone discussions as I've long since learnt that no one will ever give Apple a break or allow others their opinion - I call it the 'OMG YOU ARE STEVE JOBS BITCH' effect - despite the fact I have often told people to consider android as my reasons for an iPhone are very specific( I present in my defence your recent tablet discussion - at no point did I tell you that iPad is the way to go, I considered what you were asking and gave you android based solutions as that's what you needed). Similar responses are also given to the i use Norton to protect my PC statements. You have to learn to live with people who act like that or ignore them. Personally I will always listen if you feel like telling me I'm wrong or acting like an arse.

[poisonduk.livejournal.com]

Oh and I whole heartedly admit I didn't act in the most mature manner last night either.

[elmyra.livejournal.com]

Um, talk to them?

[andrewducker]

It's a general thing that many people do.

[zz]

did someone fart in your presence?

[gwendally.livejournal.com]

Go for the screed. You'll feel better, and perhaps someone who does this will happen to be in a teachable moment and will gain some needed social skills.

What's the worst thing that could happen? A person is pissed off at you for being pissed off at them? Ha! Drama like that slides right off my back these days.

[kerrypolka.livejournal.com]

I ticked passive-aggressive poll, but I would try to make it as non passive-aggressive as possible - I'd be asking "so hey, I've noticed this thing - does anybody here do this? why?" and try to kick off a conversation.

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

Yeah, trying to be constructive about it is good, like, what is this thing people do, what does it mean, why do they do it.

Rather than a 'what is with these sick freaks' sort of approach.

[hirez.livejournal.com]

Yes. A thing I do a lot is write posts which are half me doing observational/confessional standup comedy and half working stuff out longhand.

(Which may or may not be the same thing)

[innerbrat]

"Annoys" you or "hurts and offends you to the point at which it's affecting your life"?

If the latter, post a screed on Livejournal that gives context and explanation as to why it affects you so much, and what it means.

If the former, option 5:
Get over it.

[andrewducker]

Annoying me _is_ affecting my life.

[innerbrat]

OK, then.

[theferrett.livejournal.com]

I wait two to six months, if the serial numbers cannot be sufficiently be filed off.

[andrewducker]

It's not a serious-enough thing to be worth waiting that long. I think I just want a little breathing space so I can be clear that I'm not trying to tell specific people off.

[octopoid-horror.livejournal.com]

If specific people are doing something that annoys you, is it not better to make it clear so that you can actually talk about it? I mean, it's no secret that people, whether close friends or random acquaintances get annoyed with each other.

Everyone does things that annoy everyone else. It annoys -me- that you spam links with minimal opinion onto LJ. It probably annoys -you- or some of your friends that I occasionally turn up on your LJ, make an inflammatory comment (that probably only makes sense if you know why I hold that view, and I don't make that clear) and then I avoid entering into further debate because I'm arrogantly certain of my position and uncaring about the views of others.

If, of course, you don't want half your friends to know that the other half are really racist or something, I guess that's a bit more awkward.

[davesangel.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, it's a tricky one...I think maybe wait a few days and then make a 'general' post in which you point out the thing that people do which annoys you, but you don't name names. I don't know if that could be deemed as passive-aggressive, but at least it gets your annoyances out of your system and people with sense may pick up on it and not do it in future (and if they don't you could gently point culprits at that specific post)

[henriksdal.livejournal.com]

Is it people getting far too excited about what is, essentially, a fast-food chain opening in Edinburgh? :D

Just have a rant - perhaps lock it down so only a few people you know aren't going to get upset can read it. Ranting about it will make you feel better.

[henriksdal.livejournal.com]

OH I KNOW Is it people complaining about people getting far too excited about what is, essentially, a fast-food chain opening in Edinburgh?

[andrewducker]

See latest post :->

[octopoid-horror.livejournal.com]

What I would expect you to do is option c, followed by option b when people are curious, but that then provokes drama so you hastily hide those and revert to option d with the passive-aggressive from option c.

What you -should- do is to post about it directly, but (if it's something that is done by people reading this or their friends, then say "except I probably annoy people too, so tell me about that"

If it is about people you know, and they are so arrogant that they assume nothing they do annoys anyone, they ought to get a wake-up call.. if they're so sensitive that you don't want to offend them, they need a different kind of wake-up call and to be desensitised.