Frustration part 1
Jan. 27th, 2006 12:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
andrewduckerOne of the many, many things I have done to annoy my various girlfriends is to treat their problems as things in search of a solution. They would come to me and say "X is wrong." and I would explain to them how to fix it.
Clearly, this is not what they were looking for, and they would find it very annoying that I would spend time trying to explain the patently obvious to them. What they were actually looking for was some emotional reassurance while they sorted it out themselves, which they were perfectly capable of doing so, if only someone would give them a hug, and tell them it would all be ok.
My problem is that when people come to me with their problems, I take them on as my own. If someone says "I can't do X." then I treat X as _my_ problem. I care about X. I worry about X. I desparately want to get X sorted. Knowing that X is out there, carrying on with it's wilful existence, makes me feel itchy and frankly I want it gone.
With some problems (other people's computers, for instance) this is fine - I can step in, fix the problem, receive a brief round of applause, and then relax.
Other problems, however, aren't so simple. They involve emotional situations which _aren't in my head_. They're in someone else's head, and no matter how much I want to lean over, flip open their head and fix the problem, I can't. Which means I get more and more frustrated, because I've taken on this problem and I'm not allowed to fix it. And then I make things worse by pressuring them to fix it, so that I can feel better again.
The question, then, is how to care about someone else's problem without taking ownership of it. I can do that intellectually, but if I actually _emotionally_ care about someone's problem, then I get sucked back into this horrible situation again, pressuring them to fix their problem, so that I can feel better again.
Hmmmm. Going to require more work, I think
Clearly, this is not what they were looking for, and they would find it very annoying that I would spend time trying to explain the patently obvious to them. What they were actually looking for was some emotional reassurance while they sorted it out themselves, which they were perfectly capable of doing so, if only someone would give them a hug, and tell them it would all be ok.
My problem is that when people come to me with their problems, I take them on as my own. If someone says "I can't do X." then I treat X as _my_ problem. I care about X. I worry about X. I desparately want to get X sorted. Knowing that X is out there, carrying on with it's wilful existence, makes me feel itchy and frankly I want it gone.
With some problems (other people's computers, for instance) this is fine - I can step in, fix the problem, receive a brief round of applause, and then relax.
Other problems, however, aren't so simple. They involve emotional situations which _aren't in my head_. They're in someone else's head, and no matter how much I want to lean over, flip open their head and fix the problem, I can't. Which means I get more and more frustrated, because I've taken on this problem and I'm not allowed to fix it. And then I make things worse by pressuring them to fix it, so that I can feel better again.
The question, then, is how to care about someone else's problem without taking ownership of it. I can do that intellectually, but if I actually _emotionally_ care about someone's problem, then I get sucked back into this horrible situation again, pressuring them to fix their problem, so that I can feel better again.
Hmmmm. Going to require more work, I think
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What the hell?
Date: 2006-01-27 08:49 pm (UTC)Yes, it used to bother me at first, because I had previously dated insensitive assholes who'd rather smile and nod and "isn't that precious?" or equally insensitive assholes who'd try and tell me exactly what I OUGHT to do.
Having someone who actually cared enough to think through the problems I was facing was relatively novel. I didn't understand the motivation at first, honestly, but Matthew is not only one of the brightest men I know, but he's also incredibly good-hearted. It didn't take long to recognize he wasn't condescending, he wasn't implying I couldn't come up with a viable solution. When hard times hit, some people hug. Some people bake casseroles and leave them on your doorstep. Others send flowers. Matthew's the kind of guy who glosses over all that extraneous stuff, but will bend over backwards to make the problem disappear.
I'm a big girl. I can solve my own problems. However, one of the million reasons why I married Matthew is because there's no one else on the planet I would rather brainstorm with. We both approach many things from wholly different perspectives, and sometimes, the best answer is somewhere in the middle. When you're as close as we are, one person's problems ARE your partner's problems, no matter how carefully you try to compartmentalize. If we didn't talk about and then suss out our issues, I don't think we'd be as strong of a couple as we are. We understand how the other thinks.
If I want a hug, if it isn't glaringly obvious, I'll ask for one, because he's not psychic. Sometimes, I want a hug while we figure out how to slay the latest dragon. Sometimes, I just want to vent. Most of the time, though, I tell Matthew things because while I know I can figure it out on my own, I like sharing my life with him. I don't see it as weakness or condescension or anything ridiculous like that: I see it as sensical, and desirable.
Re: What the hell?
Date: 2006-01-27 09:24 pm (UTC)And I'd have asked you how I'm asking your husband to do that, because I'm not understanding how I'm doing more than asking him about why he does something.
Re: What the hell?
Date: 2006-01-28 12:46 am (UTC)I think it's not the "does he try to solve your problem" but "how does he try to solve your problem." You've encountered two different guys try to solve your problem in two different ways -- one you like, one you don't.
Oh, and is one of the most stupid things I've read this week. It's wrong on so many levels, I'm astounded.