Fear and Loathing

[andrewducker]

I originally wrote this in email with broin, who then posted it in his Livejournal. I want a copy for me too, so it's going here.

I ought to note that what I say here applies largely to me too. And when I say largely, I mean entirely.

Most of the people I know (and most of the people I am, too), are neurotic cowards, who have just about latched onto a few people that they get on with passably well enough to stave off the utter loneliness of being entirely by yourself.

They don't understand the people around them, they live in fear that something they do or say will cause them to get upset and lash out (which, after all, seems to happen to reasons that seem entirely trivial to the person who caused the upset) and leave them alone, or even worse, that their other friends will take the upset person's side and not talk to them either.

They don't trust that their friends aren't up to stuff behind their back, and secretly don't like them, and are just waiting for the right moment to stab them in the back and go off with everyone else, who has been secretly laughing at them behind their back the whole time.

Comments

[broin.livejournal.com]

*lol*

Bravo. =)

[mcgroarty.livejournal.com]

Okay - you've identified a problem, and I think it's one shared by all but the most egotistic and perhaps the most naiive.

Now the hard part - why do you think this is true?

Because, because, because, because, because....

[andrewducker]

In my case it's down to not having many friends when growing up (Note: not a whinge, more of an explanation).

My father is a doctor, and moved the whole family repeatedly whenever he got a new job (every couple of years) because he had to move hospital. I'd inevitably arrive somewhere new about 6 months into the school cycle (seriously, I arrived in the March of first year in both my junior and secondary schools), after everyone else had made friends. I'd stand out somewhat and I found it harder and harder to make new friends, being different to everyone else. I made friends very easily after the move when I was 4, less easily when I was 7 (but still made a fair number eventually) and made almost none when I moved at age 11. By that point I was far happier reading books than talking to people, which made it even harder to make friends. I literally had 2 people I'd call actual friends from the age of 11 to the age of 16. There'd be other people who might seem like friends for short periods of time, but would then turn out to be quite unpleasant (aah, school bullying, isn't it marvellous?).

This, mixed with my lack of emotional understanding (getting better over the last couple of years, but not great now and terrible then) led to my considering most other people to be strange creatures at best, and not to be trusted.

From what I can see, most of my friends tended to be like this: intelligent, imaginative and generally 'a bit odd', liable to be ostracised and bullied, and to develop a lack of empathy with those around them.

In a previous flat, a cat used to occasionally visit. It was very friendly for short periods of time, and would invite petting and playing. But it would sometimes freak out totally while you were stroking it, bite and scratch, and then flee. It took it about 3 months to realise that we weren't going to get angry with it for doing so, and to relax around us to the point where after its panic attack, it would just run to the doorway, and then come back. Eventually it stopped having panic attacks at all. But I couldn't pass someone a magazine to someone in the same room as it, without hair rising all down its back.

If you treat any animal badly, it learns to distrust. It can take years to repair the damage.

[wordofblake.livejournal.com]

I always thought of myself as a cynic about these things, so I was quite surprised, recently, to discover I amn't. I, obviously, interpret everything people say to me to see what it really means, but I put the rosiest possible interpretation on the words of my friends (like you). It appears I'm only a cynic about the words of other people. Strange the things you can learn about yourself.

Reasonable

[andrewducker]

Well, it seems reasonable to trust that your friends mean nice things about you, while people you don't know don't deserve the benefit of the doubt.

Re: Reasonable

[wordofblake.livejournal.com]

Reasonable, seductive even, it's the dark side. It's a quick and easy path. But it's not real. As recent events have shown, it can be painfully wrong. You're a big advocate of reason, logic, and not finalising opinions quickly. Surely, since to you it's an ongoing process, there should never be a time when your interpretations change. You should always be looking at "what's actually said", not at "what might be nice".

It would have saved alot of trouble.

And now I have to wonder,
are other people the same? Are they just there because there's nothing else to do?

I thought I'd slain that dragon years ago, I thought I was more discriminating. I'm appalled and disappointed in myself.