Compromise

[andrewducker]

One thing that I've spent a lot of time thinking about is how much to change for other people, and how much to expect them to change for me.

On the one hand, I've spent a lot of time trying to be me, getting over the unpleasant bullying I put up with from the ages of 11-17, the general societal emphasis to conform, etc. Nowadays, I'm very happy being me (in general - I'm no more perfect than the next person), and the last thing I want to do is try and pretend to be someone else.

On the other hand, the last thing I want to do is upset the people I care about. I like having friends, and the last thing I want to do is drive them away.

The observant amongst you will have noticed that there are two "last things" there, which leaves me with a conflict. And as usual, when dealing with those terribly frustrating things that we in the industry call "people", the answer tends to be a very fuzzy and personal one.

That is, I have to weigh up how much I'm willing to change myself, versus how much I'm willing to offend someone. When you look at it that way, it's not surprising that most people stick to "their own kind", spending time with people with similar values.

I've been discussing this recently, and found a variety of attitudes, from the hard-core libertarian "I'll do whatever I like, people should just put up with it or leave." to the hard-core political-correctness of "If you care about me then you wouldn't do these things that hurt me." To be honest, I find both of these attitudes rather dogmatic and unlikely to work well when faced with the complexities of life.

Instead, I find myself walking a balancing act, deciding what values are important to me, which ones I'm willing to compromise, and how much by. Some of it falls under simple, general, politeness - I try to avoid swearing in front of a fair chunk of the population, for instance. I avoid spoilers in front of most people, but I make a special effort in front of Guy, because I know he hates them. I don't wave pictures of crustaceans at Ed. I don't wave pictures of spiders at Julie (and I'd like to hope that you wouldn't wave them at me). On the other hand, I'm not about to take up going to football matches, or watching Hollyoaks for anyone - nor am I going to change the way I dress, outside of the occasional specific situation.

Every case is an instance by itself. Balance, balance, balance.


[Poll #1204346]

Comments

[andrewducker]

No, I can't put a numeric value on it either...

[meaningrequired.livejournal.com]

:)

[chuma.livejournal.com]

Poll fails as compromise changes person to person and instance to instance.

(I should add that, yes, I'm aware you probably know this all too well)

[andrewducker]

Indeed - see first comment :->

[redshira.livejournal.com]

On the whole, I find myself compromising a lot as I have a lot of strong views which don't sit well with many people and so while I don't usually give in completely, I will often tone down my message/opinions around a lot of people - either because I don't want them to switch off completely from what I'm saying or because I don't want to get into an argument about whatever it is. Some views I have - my being Zionist is the strongest example - are so contentious that if I didn't compromise/keep quiet about it, I'd have almost no friends. I'm also a strong believer in fat acceptance and Health At Every Size, which pisses people off massively. When you combine that with my opinions re: peak oil/climate change/economic woe, my feminism, my disability advocacy, my autism advocacy and other such things, it becomes clear that unless I want to spend 90% of my time in conflict/justifying myself, I have to compromise at least in what I say, because otherwise pretty much any conversation ends up being extremely stressful. I have burned out before as a result of not knowing when to compromise.

[andrewducker]

What kind of zionist?

A "Jewish people have a right to live there too!" Zionist or a "The Palestinians have no rights!" Zionist or something in-between?

[redshira.livejournal.com]

An in-between Zionist - I'm much closer to the first type you mentioned (and abhor the second type), but believe that Israel should be a Jewish state, primarily. I'm not religiously Jewish at all - my Jewish identity is purely cultural - but I'm not naive enough to think that we can do without our own country.

[octopoid-horror.livejournal.com]

It depends what kind of friends you want. Do you want the kind of friends who expect compromise and to be able to mould you into whatever they see as your potential or to carve away at the sharp edges they don't like... or do you want friends who like you and not what you were/might be/could be/are in their head?

Obviously, there are small things, like avoiding spoilers in front of Guy and so forth... that's not what I'm talking about. That's fine. Rorschach might never compromise but we're not quite like him, so little compromises are fine.

As long as you're still you.

If you start being someone else, though, that's where you need to think about whether you want to be like that, or others want you like that. ( I mean 'you' as a generic term, not you specifically)

I compromise more than I intend to, but less than people think. People with similar values to me aren't that appealing - they tend to be quite obnoxious.

[khbrown.livejournal.com]

"Nobody cares but me.... But why do I care? Because there is good and there is evil, and evil must be punished. And even in the face of Armageddon I shall not compromise in this." :-)

[andrewducker]

People with similar values to me aren't that appealing - they tend to be quite obnoxious.

I have no comment to make.

[octopoid-horror.livejournal.com]

I rather though that the conclusion you came to there was implied in my comment. I wouldn't disagree.

[wolflady26.livejournal.com]

I picked a fairly high number, but I don't really think of it in terms of changing myself for others. More, I think of it in terms of finding the best way to communicate with someone. The best way to communicate is rarely to smash boldly ahead. Instead, I look for the perspectives and analogies that would be most likely to resonate with the person I'm speaking with.

This can lead to avoiding sensitive topics, or to a more cooperative way to discuss those topics, depending on the situation. I don't have to change because I know someone disagrees with me on something important. I can also just let the matter lie, without attempting to change or be changed.

[octopoid-horror.livejournal.com]

Is the poll meant to be how much we think you compromise or how much we compromise ourselves?

[andrewducker]

You.

I always think that an "I" in a poll indicates the person filling it out.

[octopoid-horror.livejournal.com]

Ah, you see I read it as the poll being part of the post, thus "I" was the person making the post referring to themselves.

[erindubitably.livejournal.com]

I couldn't decide between 4 or 6 so I went with 5...

[zz]

damn it, i was looking forward to making that joke after i'd finished reading the comments :>

[marrog.livejournal.com]

*Grins*

I love you more than air. I mentioned, right?

[erindubitably.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you like my stupid jokes because Lord knows I'm not going to stop making them anytime soon.

[andrewducker]

I feel the same way about Julie :->

[heron61.livejournal.com]

From my PoV, much of this discussion is colored by the fact that every remotely mentally normal person changes their personality (in both both temporary and long term ways) depending upon their social circumstances, including who they are around. I know that my personality and interests are substantially different from before I started living with teaotter and somewhat different from before we started living with amberite. The set of things I consider to be "me" is actually quite small.

[khbrown.livejournal.com]

I'd be inclined to say that you can't really distinguish between word and deed until we're pushed into a situation of one or the other and the bullets start flying to distinguish between those who say and those who do (or are carried along by the weight of circumstances/the herd).

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

Probably a common experience for a lot of us here. Nowadays I try to balance being me (or the more socially acceptable aspects thereof) with just keeping my gob shut and letting other people be themselves too. I think everyone needs a little opportunity to share the limelight within a group of people in any situation, and problems occur when someone takes too much or gets too little.

My biggest problem now is how to deal with the type of person that takes too much: By their imposition, they make me feel rude that I might want to speak/have an opinion, when it's actually them that are in the wrong by talking over me/everyone else.

[captainlucy.livejournal.com]

5
It's difficult to limit this to a single numerical value, as it varies not only from person to person, but from situation to situation as well; and what you would be willing to compromise five years ago will be very different from what you would be willing to compromise today. There are core values and views that I will not change for anyone, there are those which are as changeable as the wind, and a whole host in between.

It's also a reciprocal thing: if someone is more compromising towards me, I will tend to be more compromising towards them, and vice-versa. But essentially, I like to start out on the middle-ground (or, at least, what I think of as the middle ground) and take things from there.