andrewducker | Screamingly So

The Monster Raving Loony Party has a long history in the UK. Wandering through its policies for this year's elections, I'm tempted by the following:

The Official Monster Raving Loony Party will not join the single European currency. We will invite all Europeans countries to JOIN THE POUND.

In reaction to the old adage, “Children are so honest” we intend to reduce the age of standing for parliament from 21 to 5.

We pledge to reduce class sizes by making the pupils sit closer to one another and issuing them with smaller desks. Any MP whose constituency sells off a school playing field for development will be required to relinquish their own back garden as a replacement sports facility for the school. All future Deputy Prime Ministers will be required to be fluent in at least one language to encourage the education system.

Any child who is cleverer than their teacher will be allowed to take over the class and the teacher will stand at the back with a dunce’s hat on. He or she will then be on half pay until he or she has learnt enough to regain the upper ground. This is our policy for child empowerment.

Pram lanes will be created in all shopping centres.

4 wheel drive vehicles will only be allowed to drive off road, therefore stopping mothers picking up their children from school in them when they only live 100 yards down the road. They will also be wrapped in bubble wrap to make them safer.

All speed cameras will be abolished and replaced by a new device fitted to your cars which will automatically slow down to the speed limit when driven though an infra-red beam. This will also apply to police cars; their device will be set to 5 mph though built up areas.

All computers will carry a hazard warning sign saying “Please do NOT forget to open your window before you throw this computer out of it”.

All houses built on flood planes will have foundations made of sponge, in order to soak up surplus water.

All foreign G.Ps in England and Wales will be taught the local dialect so they know when their patients feel Jiggered (Tired), Manky (Rough), Gipping (Vomiting) or have got somit rang with their Fizog (Face).

Any politician wanting to start a war will be shipped off to the country in question with a bag of conkers. They can then conker the country themselves.

It will be legal to keep Tapirs. People will be encouraged to keep them as pets because they are very funny and will cheer up the population no end.

We will raise the old age pension to £2,000 a week for every pensioner who, for a period of more than 6 days, manages not to bore everyone witless about how brilliant their grandchildren are. To ease the transition period, special centres will be built where they may go once a week and rattle on about them. Unemployed people will be paid a ‘Bore Allowance’ of £27-50 a day to sit in front of them pretending to give a damn and saying “Mmm, how interesting” and “Really, well I never” and other statements as determined by the government. Tea and biscuits will be provided and the Samaritans will be on hand to council any of the ‘Bore Allowance’ volunteers.

Old age will be made officially 5 years older than you are.