Breaking Symmetry

[andrewducker]

Every so often we see someone else just like us. We see them do something or say something that just clicks. This isn't that common, and it's a cause for much happiness to find someone that you feel like you can talk to freely - someone who's got the same point of view, who you don't feel you have to explain yourself to.

This is followed by a period of discovery - of finding the many similarities, the numerous backgrounds you have in common, the loves and hates. Even those things which aren't held in common are seen as evidence of things you would have in common, but for differences in experience.

And then this tranquil mirror is shattered - one day we look at our new friend and realise they aren't quite the same as us. We find a slight imperfection in them, where what we thought was perfect accordance isn't quite as perfect as we thought. There's a moment of shock, of realisation that there will have to be disagreement. There's a fall from grace, a return to the real world, where dealing with people isn't fluid play, it's work.

We recover quickly from the fall - after all, we're used to dealing with people who are different. But there's now a tarnish on the relationship - you can't go back to innocence, and where there was this feeling of total trust, of belief in the other, there's now a fateful knowledge that the other person is just that, other, that the faith we have in them can be many things, but it can no longer be complete.

Comments

[venomgoddess.livejournal.com]

and why.. why does that have to happen? (because, of course, it has to.. but why..)

-V.
no need to answer
just responding
with my own
question.

[green-amber.livejournal.com]

Original sin. (When in doubt blame the Pope - old Glasgow saying :)

[stillcarl.livejournal.com]

Except in the case of identical twins, maybe?

[kpollock.livejournal.com]

Well, you get identical twins, brought up together, where one is straight and one is gay. That's a pretty big disagreement, I'd think.

[stillcarl.livejournal.com]

Except in the case of The Topp Twins , of course. :)

[tisme.livejournal.com]

Very well put.

I hate that bit. I still can't stop thinking that there's someone out there that this won't happen with.

[kpollock.livejournal.com]

Really????

Even if that is how it seems to you, I seriously can't work out why it would be a problem.

Is this really how it seems to most people? If so, chalk up one more on my personal weirdness list.

Maybe it depends on whether you think disagreement is a big deal or not in general.

[darkoshi]

Even those things which aren't held in common are seen as evidence of things you would have in common, but for differences in experience.
And then this tranquil mirror is shattered - one day we ... realise they aren't quite the same as us. We find a slight imperfection in them... There's a moment of shock

Yes, interesting and true.
Those particular differences which cause such shock (as opposed to other differences which we simply gloss over as minor or not important) can tell a lot about us, about our own self-identity, and what is important to us.

When we find out certain things about another person, differences in certain core beliefs, we may be able to rationally understand the other person's view, and still rationally be their friend. But from an emotional standpoint, it is hard to still have that complete faith in them, as you put it.

[sylphigirl.livejournal.com]

is that not the point where friendship actually starts to develop, in place of mutual ego massage and validation? simply being the same as someone is not interesting, though it gives us a sense of comfort. until the point where you disagree, have a difference, you do not know if you like each other enough to withstand the knowledge of that difference.

my closest friends have all grown closer to me through those moments of disagreement. if someone will stand by you, be interested in you, even if you are doing something they do not agree with, that is a stronger friendship than one that has never been challenged.

the romantic dream is just a desire for endless self-validation and justification, belief that because there is someone else in the world who reacts the same way as we do, we are justified. but self-confidence is stronger than confidence borrowed from another person.

anyway

blah