(no subject)

[andrewducker]

We can't make everyone happy all of the time - their wants and needs are conflicting.

We could possibly make one other person happy all of the time if we made our life subservient to theirs.

But you can't live for another person, at least not for more than a short period of time - you hav to live to make yourself happy, or what's the point of living at all?

Which isn't to say that making other people happy can't be a part of your life, or even a large part. But how much is too much? And how selfish is too selfish?

There aren't hard and fast rules for these things - hell, there aren't hard and fast rules for life. People would like to think there were (hence the vast number of books which sell themselves to you by telling you that they contain the secret to happiness), but life doesn't have the hard edges that allow rules to work well. The best you can manage are heuristics - methods of arriving at a pretty good solution, most of the time, fairly quickly. And even they break down in particularly fuzzy situations.

Sometimes you're on you own, there are no rules to guide you, and every answer seems wrong, because every possible solution leads to someone getting hurt.

So what do you do? You do your best. And then you lose sleep wondering if you could have done it better.

Comments

[nirikina.livejournal.com]

*huggles*

[green-amber.livejournal.com]

The best you can manage are heuristics - methods of arriving at a pretty good solution, most of the time, fairly quickly. And even they break down in particularly fuzzy situations.

This is why AI doesn't work of course :)

More seriously I think you have to make making yourself happy your prime goal. How much of that personal happiness is tied up with making *others* happy is as you say the difficult bit. But people do have first responsibility to ensure their own happiness themselves I think, if only, leaving aside any moral autonomy arguments, because depending on someone else constantly to ensure your own happiness is an extremely vulnerable way to live, and is likely longterm to engender more not less anxiety and vulnerability. In a way this is what I was getting at with my post on dependent love a few days ago. I have been in co-dependent relationships rather too much for my own happiness I think (tho it has taken me at least 3 years to reach that state of awareness).

[tisme.livejournal.com]

whereas as I (bar Andrew) seem to be only capable of doing the 'I'm totally dependent on you, and you couldn't give a shit about me' relationship. I used to dream about co-dependency. It seemed liked everything I ever wanted. The guy would - *gasp* - like me back as much as I liked him.

[nickys.livejournal.com]

I don't think you can really help other people to be happy unless you're at least somewhat happy yourself.

You can do what people tell you they want, but it probably won't make them happy, unless they're sad control freaks who need to see other people's misery before they can appreciate they're own lack of it.


Of course kids complicate the equation somewhat. I do make sacrifices for their welfare that I probably wouldn't make for anyone else - but there are limits. I am their environment to a large extent and they need a positive environment to grow in.

[kpollock.livejournal.com]

Hanging round with a miserable bastard is no fun (for most folks) so you have to make yourself content. Note that I didn't say happy. Happy is fleeting, like sad should be.

As I said to Erin a while back - the way to have less misery is to have more calm, not more happiness.

Maybe it's easiest to concentrate on not causing yourself or anyone else misery?