Life with two kids: social lives by proxy are weird

[andrewducker]

I occasionally find it weird how other people now enter and leave my life at the whim of my children.

I've been organising Sophia's 6th birthday party*, and she's asked for a mixture of school friends and old nursery friends to come. So far, the school friends are (nearly) all yes, and ⅔ of the parents of nursery kids haven't responded.

Which, y'know, kids move on, they adjust to new friends, and maybe parents don't want to have painful moments by having them meet up with old friends. It just feels very abrupt.

And it highlights the weirdness of being pushed together with other adults because your kids made friends with their kids, and 4 year olds can't go to places by themselves, so now you're hanging out with them, and getting to know their lives, and chatting about each others kids and how they're doing, until one day your kid isn't friends with their kid any more, and you just never see each other again.

And if you were really close to them then obviously you'd make the effort - if you have any spare time and social energy, which I mostly don't right now. But even with social acquaintances it still feels odd to have them in your life, and then one day they just aren't.

(Unless your kids and their kids make friends again when they all go to the same high school in 6 years time. Now *that* will be weird.)

Plus, of course, Gideon is now making stronger friends at nursery, and so I'm going to have another group of parents to make friends with. And now I know the pattern it's going to be weirder from the beginning.

I don't really have a conclusion. It's just all weird.


*I know, I know

Comments

[altamira16]

It is so weird. Sometimes the kids are great and the parents are terrible. Sometimes the parents are great, and the kids are so annoying.

Sometimes they don't come because you did not invite that sibling that you did not know existed. Sometimes they come with all the siblings and that group just plays amongst themselves.

[snippy]

My youngest is almost 34, it's hard to remember those days. But he is still friends with two kids he's known since kindergarten and the group went up to 6 total starting around age 12. All still friends, still see each other a couple of times a month and game online every week. It's lovely for him and for me as his mom.

[channelpenguin]

I don't think my mother ever talked or socialised with other parents. Even in the first few years when she was still taking me and my sister to kindergarten / school in Glasgow. I could be wrong, though. We walked to primary school (one minute, tops) and then secondary school (15 minutes) as did (I think) ALL of my classmates - most of their parents were at work so even if I called one on the way to secondary school I would rarely meet their parents.

We never hosted parties and I don't recall getting invited to many (one or 2 when I as still at pivate school in Glasgow, but we never reciprocated because a) we lived too far out b) we were in council house on an estate, unlike the rather grander residences of my middle/ upper-middle class classmates...

I did music then martial arts and my sister dance and athletics, but again, even if maybe were dropped off when wee, I dont recall any socialising that arose as a reuslt. I was going independently to things from age 8. (this is still usual here and now in Germany!)

I don't know if this lack of parent socialisation was down to a) me not being very successfully social, b) my mother ditto? No idea c) the 70s d) the planned town that meant that we all walked to school ourselves. Mum (and Dad when he wasnt away at work) did talk to neighbours, some of whose kids went to our schools, but that was not connected with us kids and school, just that they were neighbours.

My mum did help out with Brownies / Guides and made a friend of one of the other ladies that did that. They remain friends to this day.

I myself have zero friends that I met before University, though there was very casual contact on FB (back when I was on) with 2 girls I was at secondary school at. I find it extremely weird when people have friends they have had since they were young kids. I just cannot imagine it. Dunno why, I guess I imagine we change too much and the chances of random kids you are at school with just cos you live in the same small part of town being friend-material are slim? There was NO choices back then and there, really, (except the Protestant / Catholic divide of course!) save if you went private, which almost nobody did, or were disruptive and got banned/transferred. One boy also managed a voluntary transfer after bullying, (in hindsight, he was obviously autistic, but the loud social kind!). there were some arty and intellectual kids at my schools but back then I never bonded with them either, somehow.

So being friendly with random parents I would think even MORE unlikely, but I could be wrong! Easily. I guess I would be the parent who didn't bother to talk to any others or even know why it might be expected. :-) To me, the "mission" would be "drop/pick up kids at/from school with maximal efficiency" not "socialise". The few times I dealt with my partners son when he was small I did exactly that.

[channelpenguin]

I guess my take is "no worries, you don't HAVE to make *friends* with these parents at all" I mean WHY? Why would there be a need? Don't worry about it.

[andrewducker]

I don't. But, as I said, "But even with social acquaintances it still feels odd to have them in your life, and then one day they just aren't."

[channelpenguin]

Hmm. Suppose so.

I guess I have changed workplace so many times (used to be a consultant and then contractor) and sailed with /taught random crews that I'm personally oblivious to that!

[draigwen]

Weirdly, while I've worked in the same organisation for 18 years, every time I move on I pretty much cut my previous colleagues out of my life (with a few exceptions who are lifelong friends). For me I prefer to take a clean break away from mere acquaintances.

[draigwen]

One of Evie's best friends a few years ago was the son of someone who used to go to my boardgame group, so we got the families together every so often. Then they started homeschooling, but we still tried to keep in touch. But the longer time goes by it's harder and harder to keep that friendship going. I've also found it's often one-sided - so I'm always the one trying to arrange rather than them.

I've never been one to make friends with parents usually though, so while I may speak to one or two in the playground I haven't really got to know anyone (many of the parents went to the same school whereas I'm the outsider/loner parent). So instead I'm trying to encourage my kids to make friends with the children of my own friends as that's much easier to coordinate!

[benicek]

Haha yes I know exactly what you mean. Even weirder, some of these people may end up sharing your grandchildren one day 😂

[matgb]

Yup, and sometimes they end up at the same secondary or college, so someone you haven't spoken to for 5 yrs becomes a good friend again because you've got to go to the same meetings, etc. Sometimes you randomly meet someone dog walking that you're sure you recognise but can't place then realise you used to walk their kid home when they were working cos it was on the way

One of my Mum's best friends, they've travelled to various places in Europe together, is the Mum of someone I met at nursery, we never went to the same school (they were both relatively rich and posher so he went private) but 45 yrs later they're still seeing each other loads. Sometimes you can make a good friend, other times you just pass the time while the kids are being sorted

[starwatcher]

*I know, I know

Yeah, I was gonna say, wasn't she four like... last week!? I think Time is working overtime (ha!) to freak us all out.