Interesting Links for 13-06-2023

[andrewducker]

1. Tesla 'Autopilot', has been involved in far more crashes than previously reported

(tags:Tesla crash driving automation epicfail )

2. Gender bias remains entrenched all around the world

(tags:gender bias society )

3. Blow for Britain as EU rules out renegotiating Brexit trade deal for years

(tags:uk europe trade doom )

4. How to get your children to tell you what they've been up to today

(tags:children communication advice )

5. Job Listings Abound, but Many Are Fake

(tags:jobs fraud OhForFucksSake )

6. Why are so many Reddit communities on strike?

(tags:Reddit epicfail community communication volunteers )

7. Edinburgh George Street pedestrianisation: Trees to be included and increased access for disabled and taxis

(tags:disability trees Edinburgh )

8. Scottish ministers propose gas boilers ban in new buildings from 2024

(tags:heating Scotland globalwarming )

9. It's not just English and American spelling that differ, we call very different animals and plants by the same names too!

(tags:animals trees USA UK names wtf )

10. Abortion law clearly needs reform after woman handed 28 month sentence

(tags:abortion law uk )

11. Please please please do not have children unless you really want them.

(tags:children relationships )

12. There's an influx of Redditors to Dreamwidth - here's some useful advice for them

(tags:reddit dreamwidth )

Comments

[nancylebov]

4. The comments are entertaining. My favorite is the six-year-old who said, "You know what I had for lunch. You made it."

[andrewducker]

Little kids are terribly entertaining monsters.

[conuly]

Guy #11 should definitely not have had kids, but now that he's had kids he needs to talk openly and honestly with his wife, get therapy for his depression, and get a hobby or something else that takes him outside the house.

It's hard when children are small, but it's definitely possible for a married couple, even without family, to arrange to each get a night off every week to do their own thing. And if they don't have family then I suggest they learn to make arrangements with other parents of same-aged children - you take the kids this weekend for a sleepover, I'll take them next weekend.

[channelpenguin]

I often found myself thinking that divorced parents have actually an odd benefit in that there's formal arrangements made for one or other parent having the kids on a regular basis, so the other one has time to themselves...

[andrewducker]

It's an interesting one. I find one child at a time massively easier than both at once, and would much rather have the ongoing minor disruptions at all times, but at a manageable level". But I could understand if someone would prefer "Underneath two monsters in a state of constant responsibility for half the week, and then totally relaxed the other half".

[mtbc]

Yeah, I had expected it to be harder to take care of our first but then the increment from a second was more than I expected. I'm definitely happier if there are at least as many caregivers as children!

[andrewducker]

Yeah, the difference between "phew, that was a tough few hours, she's all yours for an hour while I sleep/do chores/play games" and "If I hand you this one then I get that one in return?" is immense.
Also, during the stages where they can do very little together it means you don't see your partner much.
Very glad to be coming out of that now.

[draigwen]

As someone who has the kids half the time and their dad the other half, I find it brilliant!

[andrewducker]

I think I'd be okay with that when they're older, but right now the 2 year old is so much of a full time job that the 5 year old wouldn't get much attention at all.

(Of course, for most people in this situation there's no choice.)

[draigwen]

Yeah, we split just before the youngest turned 3, and it was HARD. Although, to be fair, it's the oldest one who's always been the trouble - for a year he was only in school half time and I had to have him at home the other half even on days when the ex was meant to have them (because I could work from home). They are 8 and 10 now so it's much easier and I probably also have rose tinted glasses nowadays too.

[andrewducker]

They excluded him half the time???

[draigwen]

The other half the time he was in 1-1 lessons. It meant that there was never an official exclusion on record and they could keep him in the school system. Given he could be very violent at the time we're lucky they were doing everything to keep him in school. (That was when he was in year 2. Year 5 now and still not really closer to getting a formal diagnosis, he spends a good chunk of his lessons not actually doing any work, but he's actually thriving because the school have done everything they could to keep him in school). Sorry, I seem to have derailed the conversation!

[andrewducker]

Not at all, I find this kind of thing fascinating. Both from a human interest/friend point of view and because I have no idea what my kids will be like in the coming years and anything that helps me be ready is good.

I'm really glad they worked to keep him in as much as possible, and that he's doing much better now. I hope you can get him a formal diagnosis that will unlock any extra support that could help.

[channelpenguin]

I never wanted kids. I didn't have any. I would NEVER have compromised. Not even for "the love of my life".

[conuly]

And that's the best plan. This person is not the only person you can ever love, and if you disagree on something so fundamental then it's best to end the relationship amicably and move on.

[calimac]

4. There's a potential additional wrinkle not discussed here, which I often use in talking with children, and that's to ask, in a deadpan tone of voice, if the child did something that is silly or ridiculous. This makes the child laugh and breaks the conversational ice.

11. This gives me pause, not that I was able to read the actual paywall-locked article. I married a woman who did not want children, and that was fine with me, but if she had very much wanted them I would have been willing. I'm aware this would have changed my life utterly, but I'm not the kind of person to regret or get depressed about having to live through life choices that I've consciously made.

[andrewducker]

4. That sounds like an excellent tactic, and one I use myself sometimes.

11. https://archive.ph/DBGdY will get you to the article. I think that "willing" will sometimes cut it, but I am very aware that (certainly with two children) they take over your whole life, and unless you are willing to, open-eyed, make the bargain that you will give up most of your life for the next few years, in exchange, that you will have regrets hanging over you for a long time.

The problem, I think, with the person in the article, is that he avoided thinking about it, and wandered obliviously into a bargain thinking that things would turn out fine for him. And now regrets this very much. I suspect you're sensible enough to have a fair idea of what you're taking on.

[calimac]

Thanks for the link. Part of this guy's problem is that he had no siblings, so he never had to live with children himself, but most of it is his overly romantic and actually narcissistic idea of life as a couple. That he now feels that his wife has no time for him is what reveals this. What those men who love being fathers have that he doesn't is a sense that parenting is something that they and their wives are doing together.

And I can see that, for taking care of our cats is a major bonding experience for me and B., and a never-ending source of conversation.

What mostly scared me about having children was not the responsibility of taking care of them, or even the investment in time, energy, and attention; but the fear that we might have children like my brother, or like B.'s brother, who would have taxed any parent's ability to raise, and who are still difficult people as adults.

[andrewducker]

Jane worried about that in advance. I'm very grateful that Sophia has been lovely, and Gideon seems pretty decent so far (insofar as you can tell with a not-yet-three year old).

And yes, parenting is a joint project. One that also gives us a constant source of discussions. I've noticed a few relationships that seemed to founder after 5-8 years if there wasn't a joint project of some kind.

[calimac]

You don't have to worry about Gideon, at least on that account, because by the time my brother was that age, it was already clear that he was going to be a handful. And yet he was so cute! People would stop on the street to exclaim 'what a cute little boy' and my mother would just sigh.

Not that I was that easy to raise either, being on some uncataloged portion of the autism spectrum.

[andrewducker]

Both of mine almost certainly are too (judging by Sophia's reaction to texture, commotion, and changes of plans; Gideon's speech and social approaches; Jane's diagnosis; me being on the waiting list for one).

But both coping mostly okay so far.

[conuly]

Well, 11's poor life choices are in no small part because he agreed without really thinking it through. He just about says as much, and I got the distinct impression that he kept hoping she'd forget all about it.

...Offers a bear some bogroll and a guide to woodland birds

[hairyears]

The Wall Street Journal has only just noticed that companies are posting fake job adverts.

I can hardly wait 'til they hear about recruitment agencies doing that.

[draigwen]

I read 10 yesterday and it made me so angry.

[andrewducker]

Me too. Can't see what is gained by sending them to prison.

[draigwen]

All that happens is that she and her other children suffer. It's ridiculous.