Relationship nonsense

[andrewducker]

Chatting to Ed yesterday about relationships. I was saying that I was happy enough to start a relationship that didn't have much spark, physically speaking, if I got on well enough with the person, because I knew that attraction would come later and that experience had shown me that (within reason) it was possible to find attraction in pretty much anybody. Ed was taking the initial attraction as a starting point and couldn't understand why I'd be interested in a relationship with someone I didn't have a spark with. He said that it wouldn't be a relationship, it'd be like having a good friend that you slept with.

Leaving aside the fact that sex with a good friend wouldn't be something I'd tend to turn down, I thought about this for a while before coming to the conclusion that the difference was one of scarcity. I know a fair number of people I find attractive. The initial spark of "that person's pretty darn cute" occurs for me at least 5 times a day and far more than that if I'm lunching in Princes Street Gardens or wandering through somewhere that has a preponderance of females. On the other hand, people that I get on with socially well enough to want to spend a significant amount of time with I can number on one hand. Sure, there's a fair number that I enjoy visiting and spending an evening with or even a day hanging out with. But people I'd be comfortable spending long periods with are far fewer. Oh, and most of them are male (and straight - as I said to Ed yesterday, if one of my good male friends made a pass at me I'd be very tempted to give it a go, despite my current lack of attraction for men. You never know, I might find I enjoyed it - and it'd be worthwhile to have a partner I got on with that well).

I've also noticed that the initial attraction is frequently completely wrong. Like most of my instincts I trust it in a very limited way. When I get an instant signal upon meeting someone of "You want to spend lots of time with this person and treat them like the very special person they so obviously are." I do an internal translation to "You want to boink this person." and leave questions of specialness and compatibility to my long-term judgement. I've seen so many people fall instantly in love with someone they know nothing about, and then be incredibly surprised when it turns out that this person isn't actually a White Knight sent from Heaven to make their lives perfect, but is in fact just some random guy.

So, from my point of view, it makes no sense to try to take those people I have an attraction to and expend energy on each of them until I find one that I can get on with. It makes far more sense to take the people I can get on with and find the attraction in them. Long term, I believe the result is the same, and doing so requires an awful lot less time being spent in the company of people I don't feel comfortable around.

Comments

[heron61.livejournal.com]

When I get an instant signal upon meeting someone of "You want to spend lots of time with this person and treat them like the very special person they so obviously are." I do an internal translation to "You want to boink this person." and leave questions of specialness and compatibility to my long-term judgement.

To me, that's both sad and terrifying. My life would be an utter ruin if I could not trust my initial in-person impressions of people. I wish my impressions of people I meet on-line were better - I have definitely learned to check those. However, while it happens rarely, the instant click I get with people (which rarely has anything to do with appearance) is a powerful signal to me that has never been wrong, as is the signal I even more rarely get to avoid someone at all costs.

[moniqueleigh]

I can accept this. I do a mix of both. Before I'll consider dating someone, there has to be both the zing & the friendship. The zing may come later, but until it does, we're just friends. That's how I got my hubby, btw. :)

[tisme.livejournal.com]

Which one was I? Please tell me that you didn't start having sex with me before you were actually attracted to me? That's actually pretty creepy.

[andrewducker]

I was definitely somewhat attracted to you.

[tisme.livejournal.com]

'somewhat'?

*eyebrow*

[andrewducker]

Yup.

[ex-jetgrrrl855.livejournal.com]

hee hee you said 'boink'!!!

:D

[kpollock.livejournal.com]

I have, in my life, done both. Instant attraction is fine, especially if you take it for what it is and don't necesarily build hopes of relationship round it. Friends that you sleep with - well I know that one well. Works pretty well unless and until one of you pays to much attention to an intital spark type thing or finds a better friend.

With Sean there was both, but given where we met (at a viking re-enactment thing) he was already sorted by personality into "probably somebody that I'd get on well with". The he turned out to be a programmer. Bliss!

I tend to get on much mucm much better woth men too. Lucky I'm a straight woman then, isn't it? (Well, women can be very cute, but, nah, I couldn't have a relationship with one, at least none that I've ever met).

You are just WAY too sensible Mr Ducker. Some people would say, anyway. I think you have it right.