Tension, Apprehension, and Dissension Have Begun

[andrewducker]

Well, not begun, but continuing apace.

Joe seems determined to alienate pretty much everyone he knows here, leading to much bafflement and confusion. Life had been, until recently, delightfully quiet, with me happily avoiding all the usual fun and frolics that had made life exciting and remarkably stressful between 1990-1995. However, it appears that it was not meant to be.

One day, I'll find myself surrounded by people that can actually get along with those around them, not have huge emotional reactions to other peoples reactions and, when there are problems, have an initial reaction of "let's see if we can sort out where these problems come from" rather than "That Bastard! He'll pay for this!!"

We'll all live in a nice candy coloured house, and farm flying pigs together.

Oh, and 7.43 cool points to anyone who's read the book that the subject line above comes from.

Addendum: Some time later (apres Bath)
So as not to give the wrong impression, I haven't taken offense at Joe, despite the general name-calling and unpleasantness. I'm worried, concerned, and generally stressed at the situation, but I'm, personally speaking, not actually angry. I have too much faith in Joe (and in my friends generally) for that. (I've been told before that this faith is a weakness, but I'm convinced it's a strength).

My reaction also seems to be tempered by my general change over the last couple of years, initiated by looking after Gina when she was ill. More on that later, when I've had time to let this settle inside me so that it can burst, fully formed, from my skull.

Comments

[broin.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if you think about people in this way, but... how's this as a fr'instance:

Friends (close friends, uberfriends) are not the people who are nice to you. They're not the people who are fun to chat to. They're the people you can throw a hearty 'fuck you!' to, and who'll still come back.

I mailed Rob about his opinions on gaming, and he said 'but i dont appreaciate being called a fuckwit, and if thats what you think of me why bother asking for my opinion?' And *then* he wondered when I was coming round to visit, as he had a birthday present for me.

That's fucking *cool*. That absolutely impressed me. That's why Rob is a genuine decent person, and a good friend. When I forget that, Rob reminds me.

So, if I piss someone off, and they piss me off, and I don't feel the need to 'return to how it was previously', and they don't talk to me, then I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. In fact, I feel like I've gained.

It might sound like a fucked-up approach... but the older I get, the less time I have for people who just want to hang out with me when I'm cheerful. I want people around me who'll *accept* the badness. Who'll share. Y'know? More than just 'fair weather friends'.

This is why you're difficult. :) It's very hard to remain annoyed with you for more than a few hours at a time. :) We've argued in the past, and one or other of us always apologises, because you're exceedingly, irritatingly loyal. Damn, that pisses me off. ;)

I'm a moody, grouchy person. There's no point in ignoring that, or ignoring me when I'm depressed. There's nothing to be gained by thinking 'hey, it'll pass' and waiting it out till I 'get better'. Just like your Gina example - you felt loyalty to her when she was in a really, really bad period of her life. And if her life fell apart again, you wouldn't be pissed off at her, would you? I can't pretend to be cheerful and capable, anymore than Gina could pretend to be sane. (Pretending makes it worse).

So I want people around who know who I am, and accept me. It's easy to have people around who are 'just for fun' - witness socksarefun. Distractions are easy.

Meanderingly... this might be why I often feel out of my depth in relationships I have in the UK and Ireland. The emphasis on 'not rocking the boat' and 'not causing a scene' is directly counter to my approach, so it's entirely possible I live in the wrong country.

The difference

[andrewducker]

When Gina was ill, and I was looking after her, I didn't think of her as a capable human being. She was sick. When she got better she repeatedly apologised and felt bad about putting other people through shit. If you want me to also think of your 'phases' as periods of incompetence and think of you as mentally ill/a child, I can; but I'm not sure that's what you want.

I have no problem with you being grumpy, everyone gets grumpy. I do have a problem with you getting grumpy and then saying "Well, I'm grumpy, if you loved me you'd love my grumpiness too." Behaving like a dick and then saying "Well, what can I say, I'm a dick." doesn't make it better and I can't see how it's going to lead people to treat you more like a friend.

And yes, certainly, friends are the people you can say "fuck you" too, and they come back. But if you treat people like shit without explanation or apology, then I can't see any reason for them to think it's worth being your friend in the first place.

I mean, I'm sure there are people more tolerant than myself, but most of the people I know are neurotic, don't fit in, and deep down are paranoid that their friends aren't really their friends at all. I can't see that matching very well with your nehaviour. As Gordon's said (in a reply to my post here), he's not hating you, he just wants you to apologise for the way you treated him, which wasn't even slightly like a friend.

Re: The difference

[broin.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the response. =)

He'll pay for this

[wordofblake.livejournal.com]

I told you, I don't want him to pay for this, I just want him to calm down, apologise, and act reasonably....

and we'll all live in a candy house with the air-pigs

yup,
I mean I didn't delete him from my MSN list because I fugured "Hey it'll work out" but now I'm not so sure,

I'm dissapointed, but after the mail and the other thing I'm feeling naive and unrealistic.

I'm worried, concerned, and generally stressed at the situation

[wordofblake.livejournal.com]

Poor Andy,
don't let it bring you down. You're a decent guy and none of it is your fault or responibility.