Possibly the finest spam of all time

[andrewducker]

Received by a friend, who got it at work, and would thus rather remain nameless. Comments within are hers.

RE : INFORMATION [ok, nothing too urgent, then?]

YOU HAVE BEEN TARGETED FOR ASSASSINATION OVER A PAST LEGAL FINANCIAL MATTERS . A HIRED INTERNATIONAL ASSASIN HAS BEEN HIRED TO KILL YOU .

[Oh dear.]

ALL INFORMATION AND CONCRETE EVIDENCE WILL BE FORWARDED TO YOU , BUT THAT SHOULD BE AFTER THE APPREHENSION OF THE ASSASSIN . PLEASE DO NOT DISCLOSE THIS INFORMATION TO ANY BODY, INCLUDING ANY OTHER ENFORCEMENT PERSONEL IN YOUR REGION. OUR EFFORT TO TRAP HIM MIGHT BE JEOPADISE , IF OUR STRATEGIES ARE EXPOSE BY OTHER ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES BEHIND THIS CRIME . [They might be jeopadise? Oh no!]

FROM THIS MOMENT SEE ANYBODY AS SOMEBODY THAT WANTS TO KILL YOU. [Is it you?]

THE PRIVATE INTERNATIONAL INVESTIGATOR TRACKING THE ASASSIN , WANTS YOU TO PURCHASE OUR DEVICE SECURITY ALARM, AS YOU ARE EXPECTED TO PRESS THE DEVICE ALARM IF YOU SUSPECT ANY ACTIVITIES .WE CAN COME TO YOUR RESCUE THROUGH ANY OF OUR ATTACHED SECURITY PERSONEL, AND THIS IS POSSIBLE
WITHIN OUR NETWORK CLOSE TO YOU IN LESS THAN 10 MINUTES . [Oh, good. Plenty of time if I realise someone is shooting me at point blank range.]

PLEASE TRY TO COOPERATE WITH US. [Oh god, it IS you!]

WE WAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU .
HAVE ME CONTACTED ALSO ON THIS EMAILS : bauer@bauer.atmailcloud.com fffbureau@anpa.nl

REGARDS,
AGENT BAUER. [What, the guy from 24?]
INTERNATIONAL INTELLIGENCE BUREAU

Comments

[f4f3.livejournal.com]

Truly awesome.

[bart-calendar.livejournal.com]

I'm depressed that during none of my freelance assignments writing spam that I've ever gotten a job that would have allowed me to write something that amusing.

That said, just like the author of that spam I always put something in there that amuses me and is a wink and a nod to it being spam.

For example, crediting fake testimonials to "K. Richards, P. McCartney, Sheila E. and P. Townsend."

It should go without saying that EVERY time I do a spam ad for a penis enlargement job "P. McCartney" is one of the people who says something like "I always knew my penis was too small and lived in shame, but now for the first time in my life I know what it feels like to be a real man."

I tend to save "K. Richards" and "P. Townsend" for weight loss product testimonials - not sure why, except it amuses me.

(To be fair, some of them want the initial order reversed in which case it becomes "Keith, R.", "Pete T." and Paul M.")

The best is when I can credit it to "Paul M. - Liverpool.")

[khbrown.livejournal.com]

I got a fishing email a couple of days ago with the salutation of "costumer"

As I said then if the scammers put as much attention into checking their spelling, grammar and use of language as mimicking websites they would probably do a lot better.

[chess]

I dunno, people who are smart enough to care about that kind of thing are probably people who won't go through with it and fall for the scam / buy their rubbish...

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

ROFL. That's awesome. I almost want to buy it :)

[danieldwilliam.livejournal.com]

I’m picturing the incident control room at the International Intelligence Bureau.

Scene: A low light office, the blinds are drawn. A haze of smoke and manly perspiration hangs in the air.

Two men are in the room. Bauer is sitting at a computer terminal, reaching for a big red phone.

Agent Bauer: Sir, we’ve got another assassin looking to kill somebody over a past legal financial matter. We should totally phone the target right now and warn them.

Special Agent Ryan: Hold your horse there Marine. Look at the time. What time is it Bauer?

Agent Bauer: Sir, it is fourteen hundred hours, sir.

SA Ryan: What time is it in the *UK* Bauer?

Agent Bauer: Sir, it would be 19 hundred hours, sir.

SA Ryan: Exactly, Bauer. Time for the Archers. You can’t phone a limey during the Archers to tell them they are going to be assassinated. It upsets the Queen. Do you want to upset the Queen to England, Bauer

Agent Bauer: Sir, no sir. I have the upmost respect for Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth on this the anniversary of the death of her father.

SA Ryan: Good man Bauer. I knew I could depend on you. We still need to warn the poor dead bastard.

Agent Bauer: Sir, yes sir. Shall I send an email, sir?

SA Ryan: Make it so Agent Bauer, make it so.