Five Questions about me
Mar. 29th, 2012 02:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
andrewduckerIn-between yoga and swimming it seems I have time for a meme, via ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
star_tourmaline:
(1) How do you think being married will change your life and your relationship?
On the one hand, I don't see why it should. I don't believe that the ceremony or the concept have any magical powers - it's a public celebration of our love, and I'm very happy to be doing it, but I don't feel like it _should_ make a difference (except that I don't have to worry about Julie being able to see me in hospital, legal issues, etc.). On the other hand, it may well make a difference, and I can think of nobody else I'd rather find that out with.
(2) What are you most proud of?
That's a difficult one, because pride isn't something that I tend to engage with a lot. I'm proud of some of the software design I've done at work. I'm proud of being there for a friend when they had a nervous breakdown back in 1997. I'm proud that I can be there for Julie when she needs me, and that I made it easier for her to do her PhD. But these all feel like "What you do.", not something that I wander about having a feeling of overwhelming pride in. Life has problems in it, I try to deal with them as best I can (and sometimes do better than others). It's not about pride, it's about getting on with things.
(3) What are your hopes and aspirations for your career?
That I get to do interesting things, feel somewhat fulfilled, and earn enough money to be happy. Work isn't the focus of my life, but it is where I spend a large chunk of my time awake, so I want to enjoy it. But I don't feel any particular urge to change the world. I do feel a need to change the way bits of the company works, but that's purely because some of those bits annoy me, and they'd be less annoying if they were more efficient.
(4) What does friendship mean to you?
A variety of things. At base, it means the ability to spend time with people without going crazy. I have old gaming friends where the basis of our friendship is longevity of contact, based around large amounts of orc-slayage. And that's absolutely fine - some of them are close enough to be coming to the wedding. There are issues of trust - I don't seek people out to spend time with them unless I feel I can trust them not to have emotional explosions at me, or otherwise treat me badly. And I tend to treat my friends as they treat me - if they trust me and are generous with their time/energy then I do likewise. I get to do this less often than I used to, as my raised levels of stress mean that I go out less. But I still have the feelings, they just get less expression than I'd like.
(5) Do you plan to continue your political activity, and if so then how and to what end?
Not at the moment. I get frustrated too easily, and the thought of pouring lots of energy into things that don't have any likelihood of having a positive outcome is one that fills me with dread. And as politics in the UK is such a giant clusterfuck, that cannot improve under the current system, I don't feel that there's anything I could do in general politics that would actually have a clearcut positive effect. If a single issue came up again that I felt I could stand firmly behind then I'd work on that. And, oddly, if Scotland became Independent then I'd be happier being involved, as I like the Scottish electoral system a lot more than the UK one, and without its ties to the Westminster system it might be easier to improve.
star_tourmaline:(1) How do you think being married will change your life and your relationship?
On the one hand, I don't see why it should. I don't believe that the ceremony or the concept have any magical powers - it's a public celebration of our love, and I'm very happy to be doing it, but I don't feel like it _should_ make a difference (except that I don't have to worry about Julie being able to see me in hospital, legal issues, etc.). On the other hand, it may well make a difference, and I can think of nobody else I'd rather find that out with.
(2) What are you most proud of?
That's a difficult one, because pride isn't something that I tend to engage with a lot. I'm proud of some of the software design I've done at work. I'm proud of being there for a friend when they had a nervous breakdown back in 1997. I'm proud that I can be there for Julie when she needs me, and that I made it easier for her to do her PhD. But these all feel like "What you do.", not something that I wander about having a feeling of overwhelming pride in. Life has problems in it, I try to deal with them as best I can (and sometimes do better than others). It's not about pride, it's about getting on with things.
(3) What are your hopes and aspirations for your career?
That I get to do interesting things, feel somewhat fulfilled, and earn enough money to be happy. Work isn't the focus of my life, but it is where I spend a large chunk of my time awake, so I want to enjoy it. But I don't feel any particular urge to change the world. I do feel a need to change the way bits of the company works, but that's purely because some of those bits annoy me, and they'd be less annoying if they were more efficient.
(4) What does friendship mean to you?
A variety of things. At base, it means the ability to spend time with people without going crazy. I have old gaming friends where the basis of our friendship is longevity of contact, based around large amounts of orc-slayage. And that's absolutely fine - some of them are close enough to be coming to the wedding. There are issues of trust - I don't seek people out to spend time with them unless I feel I can trust them not to have emotional explosions at me, or otherwise treat me badly. And I tend to treat my friends as they treat me - if they trust me and are generous with their time/energy then I do likewise. I get to do this less often than I used to, as my raised levels of stress mean that I go out less. But I still have the feelings, they just get less expression than I'd like.
(5) Do you plan to continue your political activity, and if so then how and to what end?
Not at the moment. I get frustrated too easily, and the thought of pouring lots of energy into things that don't have any likelihood of having a positive outcome is one that fills me with dread. And as politics in the UK is such a giant clusterfuck, that cannot improve under the current system, I don't feel that there's anything I could do in general politics that would actually have a clearcut positive effect. If a single issue came up again that I felt I could stand firmly behind then I'd work on that. And, oddly, if Scotland became Independent then I'd be happier being involved, as I like the Scottish electoral system a lot more than the UK one, and without its ties to the Westminster system it might be easier to improve.
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no subject
Date: 2012-03-29 02:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-29 03:32 pm (UTC)2) What is your favourite memory from school?
3) Do your long term plans include Dundee?
4) What does marriage mean to you?
5) Which Doctor is your Doctor?
no subject
Date: 2012-03-29 02:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-29 02:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-29 03:37 pm (UTC)[in the end we did divorce, but settled utterly amicably with no prying into each others finances at all and no feeding the lawyers, I lost about 30K of joint property but then I paid no rent nor mortgage for 10 years...]
Many men I know have bought a house, paid 100% of the costs (mortgage, repairs, council tax, DIY etc etc, possobly even all the food/bills) with the wife contributing absolutely nothing financially - and had to give half away [or the whole damn thing] when they divorced, even in cases where there are no kids! My own pride would not let me do that or anythign like that - but apparently it's quite acceptable and even my own mother (who has always paid her own way - 50% of everything) was surprised at my determination to ensure that I did NOT gain financially from my marriage and subsequent divorce.
I have NEVER had ANY joint accounts, debts or investments with a partner and never will (unless it was in connection with a business and then of course it'd be like any other business deal). The thought makes my blood run cold. It's material power over me (each other) and I can't permit (won't inflict) that.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-29 04:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-29 04:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-30 11:35 am (UTC)But also it's about trust, if I didn't trust him completedly, I wouldn't be marrying him, and in my book, him being legally my next of kin and having potentially life or death decisions over me is the legal bit I thought more carefully about than the financial stuff - that's just money when it comes down to it.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-30 04:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-29 04:15 pm (UTC)My mum has a similar story paragraph 3, she invested the money and my father walked away with half of it, and the dogs.
I was a bit squeeky when we got our joint bank account, and was a real pain to be around for a few weeks before I moved in (moving in was fine, it was the thought of moving out that was difficult as he owns the property, and I knew I had to be in a position to be able to leave). I've watched enough Judge Judy to know you don't do financial stuff with anyone unless you're married, because when you're married you have a contract that courts can work.
I like to think with both our strong sense of fairness, if we do come out loathing each other we'll still endeavour to ensure that there isn't a profit. And, having seen my mother's experience, I never want to be completely dependant on another person.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-29 06:30 pm (UTC)When I moved out I ended up having to spend about 9k within a few weeks (rental deposit, car, various insurances, furniture etc). I'd never feel comfortable without an 'emergency escape fund' and I do feel really lucky to have always had that - and sad/concerned for those in less fortunate financial circumstances who do not...
But I'll stop being a depressing bugger forthwith! Simmering resentments can be slow poison, so I am very happy to see that you have thought it out!
no subject
Date: 2012-03-29 03:43 pm (UTC)I outright own my current flat and my boyfriend pays rent - for his sake, not cos I am mercenary. I don't want him to feel bound by a financial noose, if he can afford to be here, paying me then he doesn't HAVE to be (because he could afford to be somewhere else). I don't want anyone staying in a relationship with me because they can't financially afford not to be - I see too many people trapped by that (especially women).