When you don't see me

[andrewducker]

I've heard people complain that when their friends get a new partner they don't see them much any more.  It's hardly surprising.  Well, not seeing them much any more is hardly surprising - I never cease to be surprised by people who are amazed that their mate is prioritising a new partner over them.

Go back 18 months and I was hella-social - out pretty much every evening, always meeting up with people to do something, gaming two days a week, badminton on a third, writers group on a fourth, and usually booked for at least two others.  If you even could find a girlfriend who would slot into that remaining day, would it be much of a relationship?

As it was, I feel that I deliberately started the relationship slowly.  I've had a tendency to leap headfirst into relationships in the past, not really thinking about where they were going, not managing them, just letting them flow around me.  But after a few...problematic situations, I was taking this one carefully - not wanting to make any of the mistakes I'd made before.  And so we deliberately kept some of our own space.  We kept some time to ourselves.  We didn't move in with each other in the first six months.

But slowly we realised we wanted more time together than we were getting - the writing group went first, and then the Amber game.  I stopped booking myself in to see people as much, so that I wasn't spending more than one evening in a row away from Julie.  I developed...an attachment.  Which is pretty damned natural, as without that, why would you want to be in a relationship at all?

And part of this is that we're still doing a lot of stuff - even the minimal level of friends/family maintenance meant that I spent Friday and Saturday last weekend at people's birthday parties, the weekend before we dropped in on a friend getting engaged, saw friends in the park with bikes, and got to see Star Trek.  Last night I was helping her pack and getting an early night so she can fly to Belfast to visit her grandparents at short notice.  Next weekend we're both visiting my parents.  The weekend after that we might even get both days to ourselves.  Maybe.

Plus, of course, Julie is doing a PhD - which eats up most of her brain/life, and stresses her the hell out.  This will continue, no doubt, for the next year.  I've seen relationships torn apart by PhDs before, and I went into this with my eyes open, determined that we'd make it through this one.  But it does mean being there to be supportive, and not leaving Julie feeling like she's worked 6 long days in the week and I wasn't there on the last one.  It means being there so she can read things to me, and get grammar/structure feedback.  It means keeping her company last night while she writes an abstract for a conference so that it can be sent off before she flies to Belfast.  It's not always easy/fun - and sometimes the stress gets to me.  But I remind myself that I'm not dealing with someone who's naturally crazy - that pretty much everyone who does a PhD orbits the Nervous Breakdown singularity, and then things get better again.  And in the long run it will be worth it.  Soooo worth it.  I get to be in love with _Dr_ Julie.

So you're not likely to see me much.  And it doesn't mean I like you people any less.  It just means my focus is elsewhere.  Which is something I do find intermittently difficult - I miss seeing people, I sometimes feel left out of the tide of gossip, drama and emotion that would swirl around me.  But when it comes to making the choice between that and being here for Julie, of making the time for her, of spending the time _with_ her, it really isn't a difficult choice.

Comments

[pisica.livejournal.com]

I can't speak directly for AD, but I suspect that when the PhD candidate finally becomes Dr., the supportive partner is equally relieved. :)

And the support is invaluable. It's interesting how it's tailored to the individual - I don't think AD ever read any of my thesis, but that wasn't the sort of support I needed, so I don't think I even asked him.

[meaningrequired.livejournal.com]

I actually really didn't want Andy to read any of my work ever, but I found having a non-psychologist/social scientist read my writing (for lay people) for plain english to be invaluable.

[likeneontubing.livejournal.com]

I think the problem I've experienced is people neglecting their friends almost totally to be with a new partner all the time, (IE not coming to birthday parties etc), then when they split up expecting to be *bestestbuds* once again after all that time spent apart and neglected.

I still manage to see my partner, *and* my friends on a semi-regular basis, if other people can't be bothered then they aren't really friends.

[andrewducker]

Absolutely. And some people are being seen more than others, because I'm making an effort to spend time with them. marrog gets seen more than anyone else, and I see tisme for lunch once every week or two. And I still make an effort to get out to things - like chuma's birthday. I'm just not out nearly as much as I used to be.

[likeneontubing.livejournal.com]

I'm just not out nearly as much as I used to be.

I think that's totally natural, as are other reasons like being skint, or exams etc.

Just if people do neglect anyone totally, then they can't be shocked when they get that response from them really.

[marrog.livejournal.com]

Flattered and touched though I am I'm sure there's also a "lives round the corner" element there... *grins*

[ishkhara.livejournal.com]

It's a completely natural situation that you want to spend time with someone who is such a huge part of your life and I'm sure most friends will accept that. *nod nod*

[poisonduk.livejournal.com]

Dr Julie sounds so nice!!

And we all have our lives and social lives. I've always put Kirsty before anything I do - on occasion I will get childcare if something extra special is required of me(for example Morag's birthday party). Having to apologise for having a partner isn't a requirement of anyone. You should enjoy your time with Julie as it'll fly by - jeez 18 months already, it only seems like yesterday you were grinning inanely over a canteen table telling me about this girl you'd sort of been on a date with the night before. As you grow older both of your priorities will change - as long as you still have _some_ time for your friends that is all that is really needed. Anyone who judges you otherwise doesn't really deserve to be called a friend.

[joexnz.livejournal.com]

i've been noticing in my life recently, that although i'm still busy, there is a lot less socialising than there used to be. But thats whatyou get for doubling up i guess.

also did help that you have never not known julie when she wasn't being a phd student. Alan is idly contemplating it (very idly i might add) so i'm wondering how much it would impact me.

[andrewducker]

Depends how much it impacts you when a boyfriend is horribly stressed all the time for four years.

[joexnz.livejournal.com]

he's thinking part time, so eight years, also contected to his work

and given he;s very good at giving orgnisational advice but crap at following, very stressed for about a year when he suddenly realises he didn't do the ground work.

-sigh-

[meaningrequired.livejournal.com]

Part-time is a bit different and comes with its own issues. The part-timers in my school often feel left out, and they have their own stress of "Have I really done enough in two years?"

Its not just the work that saps your time, its the seminars, the workshops, the wine after the seminars, the conferences, the smoozing, the networking, the emailing, the trying to get an abstract finished, trying to get data suitable for publication, trying to work out what the overall story is.

This near the end, I would recommend to anyone not bothering doing a qualification unless they are going to use it or it will get them a promotion. I feel the same way about undergraduate degrees. I could have spent the last 8 years of my life doing something else, than coming out with a train of qualifications that won't be applied directly to my career. Instead I'm applying my "skills" and my "transferable assets".

Sorry /rant

[davesangel.livejournal.com]

Part-time is good because you do get a break away from any uni-based stress that a full-timer can't escape from, but it has added stress too because often the part-timers are working, so it's like juggling two jobs. You're right, they both have downsides/sets of issues.

And I still maintain that PhD students do not get anywhere near as much funding as they should because it isn't just the written work and research - there's so much else (not even the social networking side which is important but also draining cos you're having to be alert and talk about your work to strangers at times when most people have gone home from their day jobs and are relaxing at home) such as writing reviews, publications, conference papers, or attempting to do all of these things.

I have to agree that unless you are totally set on becoming an academic then a postgrad degree is not particularly recommended...it will give you some great skills, but I think that the undergrad degree accomplishes that just as well. And the job market in academia is so bad at the best of times that even if you have your heart set on being a lecturer, it's really not guaranteed. I know one girl who has had to move to Australia just to get a lectureship.

[meaningrequired.livejournal.com]

I wasnt stressed at all for the first year, actually I had a pretty good time. If I'd been more aware of the final shape of my PhD, then I would have had less of a good time and done more work. But I could never know what needed done until I got further in.

[andrewducker]

Shhhh. I'm trying to terrify Jo!

[soon_lee]

If I'd been more aware of the final shape of my PhD...

Hah! The saying, "No plan survives first contact with the enemy" applies to life in general, but even more to PhDs.

[a-pawson.livejournal.com]

I think the stress levels depend on the individual and/or the subject you are working in.

Being stressed all the time certainly wasn't the case for me, or for most of the people I worked with. Yes there were stressful times, particularly at the end when writing the thesis, but the vast majority of the time was hugely enjoyable and frankly a lot less stressful than any job I have had in the real world.

[meaningrequired.livejournal.com]

SORT Of!

Andrew!

[meaningrequired.livejournal.com]

Should be expected I suppose ;) as he invited other people along to the first date he proposed!

[andrewducker]

That wasn't a date!!!!!

[meaningrequired.livejournal.com]

It was supposed to be!

[meaningrequired.livejournal.com]

I'll get the chat log out! I think I'm owed an extra data!

[meaningrequired.livejournal.com]

BARGGHG! ^%$*^$ Freudian slip!

I am owed both data and a date.

[andrewducker]

Hah! You can have both - if you can show me that chat log...

[poisonduk.livejournal.com]

I'm not taking into account the cinema outing. I thought the first date was the pair of you sitting at a pub table? Were others there?

Julie demand another First date!!

[andrewducker]

That was our first date. And I didn't invite anyone else (or tell them), but Lizzie, Ari, Erin and others all turned up halfway through, because they'd already agreed to meet up there. It was a trifle embarassing.

[a-pawson.livejournal.com]

Shouldn't that be "an extra datum".

[d-c-m.livejournal.com]

I totally understand. :)

Hearth and home...

[zornhau.livejournal.com]

It's worth it.

[zz]

The one that usually annoys me is when you *never* see the friend without their new partner in tow.

[marrog.livejournal.com]

What are we supposed to do, leave them at home? I appreciate that some stuff - gaming, say, band practice, the odd game of pool, yeah, it'd be irritating if there was always an extra body who wasn't necessarily involved. But for general social occasions are we supposed to leave the SO at home occasionally with the cat? Why?

[zz]

well i'm thinking mostly of things that'd otherwise be 2 or 3 close friend type events, not big social occasions. but even then it's not automatically a problem if there's an "outsider", just if it seems to be *impossible* to get the person out to things on their own.

leaving the SO at home with the cat is a dramatic way of putting it - you'd hope the SO would have interests/friends/events of their own too.

[aliiis.livejournal.com]

What Kate said, basically!

I think sometimes a change in your circumstances, whether it's a new partner, studies or a new job (I know I found it changed a lot for me when I went from being a student, the vast majority of whose friends were students, to us all working full-time at different places) can clarify things for you in terms of making you weigh up your various priorities. It's good to be aware of who and what you feel it's important to make time for, which friends you would drop everything and do anything for, and which ones you actually just hang out with because you happen to be in the same place a lot. What you're really interested in, to put it another way. It sounds like you're really interested in Julie, which makes sense, so good for you! :D

In my case I've found it sort of goes in cycles, there was one period of about a year where me and Don were really unsociable and preferred to stay in and just be together all the time. I think it was shortly after we'd moved in to our first flat and he'd started working and I'd got a bit more serious about my studies. As it's gone on I think we've both become more outgoing, and each developed closer friendships with 'separate' people - not that we don't like/see/get on with each other's friends, but there are definitely some people who are clearly one or the other of ours, eg. Alice's (ex-)colleagues, Don's band. Then other times we are both out separately most nights of the week, and even times where we both need a bit of space and it feels good to get away from the flat and the other person for a few hours or even days (I hope that doesn't sound terrible! it seems to make you appreciate them more when you get back home). It's all totally personal and subjective, but in our case it's always been important to both of us to feel quite independent and to have interests that don't need our partner to be involved or 'validate' them, iyswim.
I think we've got a pretty good balance just now, and if all's well, as time goes on you just become more receptive to what the other person needs, whether it's support (cos non-PhD people get stressed too!) or space.

tl;dr version: yay :)