Everyone is Broken

[andrewducker]

(Which, by the way, is the kind of subject line you get if you start writing while listening to Nine Inch Nails, although I suspect Radiohead would work just as well.)

I have all sorts of problems. I've driven all of my girlfriends mad in different ways, stressed out pretty much all of my friends at various points, caused arguments over trivial things and generally meant that my friends have to expend effort to deal with me.

And in this one respect I am completely normal.

There is not one person on this planet who does not have foibles, problems, issues, neuroses, unreasonable standards, illogical feelings, inconvenient moods and expectations that are the very least likely to lead to disappointment. If you cannot live with the fact that your friends are like this then now would be an excellent time to retreat to a small cave and practice your hermit-hood.

Which isn't to say that you should have to put up with their shit, because goddammit, that would be _unreasonable_ - you have your own problems to deal with after all. But be aware that your friends are adjusting themselves to deal with your foibles, and have made the judgement that putting up with _your_ shit is worth the effort, because underneath it all you're a pretty cool person.

Your friends aren't blind either. They don't picture you as some perfect person who has descended to bring joy to their lives. Unless you're associating with autistic idiots they will have noticed that you are as flawed as the rest of us. Which means that if you go around subjecting yourself to ridiculously high standards, just in case your friends find out you're not perfect, then all you're doing is stressing yourself out, and probably your friends too.

You're broken.

I'm broken.

Everyone is broken.

Nobody has the time and energy to put up with _everyone's_ foibles, which is probably why we only have a few people we're really close to. They're the ones who we feel are worth seeing close up, the ones who we can let see our own cracks and dents, the ones we've tested enough times to know that they're not going to run screaming from our own flaws. We put up with them and we get something back.

I've stopped trying to fix myself. I've stopped trying to fix my friends. I'm still learning and changing, but I no longer believe there's anything like a "perfect" person to aspire to - just day-to-day decisions to make and always work to do to keep me happy, cope with my friends and try not to piss them off too much.

Comments

[dalglir.livejournal.com]

On the one hand, I agree that being happy with oneself is big source of contentment and life happiness. At university, I became consciously aware that I was trying to be someone else - I wasn't happy with who I was. Mostly, I blame my parents for this, their expectations and their disappointment. I had a moment of clarity, so to speak, after two or so years at university where I suddenly discovered that I liked who I was anyway.

On the other hand, being content with who I am is not an excuse for not bettering myself. There are all sorts of measures by which we could say certain behaviours make us 'better', or in your terminology 'fixed', but its not about being better than other people - its about being better than who I was, about examining myself, my life and wondering how I can attain more happiness for Me And Mine.

I don't see things as 'broken'. Apart from anything, this is a particularly negative way of looking at things. People are just different. I am different. Like you say, everyone has their little foibles. To use the analogy of a car - A car may be in perfectly good working order but it may also have a few dents and scratches that give it the character it has. My 'fixing', my 'bettering' is all about pimping that car with all the extras that makes the ride an adventure.

[pisica.livejournal.com]

On the other hand, being content with who I am is not an excuse for not bettering myself.

Agreed. I think I'm pretty good these days, but that doesn't mean I haven't had to apologize twice in the last month for being careless.

It's like trying to improve the world - nothing you can do as a person, or even in an organisation, is going to solve climate change/famine/random violence by numptes wearing fake Burberry caps, but that doesn't mean that you should not do *anything*.

Perfection isn't possible, but improvement is. Hmm, maybe I should embroider that on a pillow. :)

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

You pretty much said most the things I would have - so thanks.

Except that, to be honest, I would put it rather more strongly. No, it's not about being better "than" other people. But also, "being yourself" is not carte blanche to be (eg) lazy, dependent or rude for the rest of your life, without trying to do something to (a) make yourself happier and/or (b) make the others who have to (or don't have to - just tend to do so) clean up after these this character aspects, happier.

I think pampering a person with extras rather than fixing them or tolerating them is a nice metaphor.

[thishardenedarm.livejournal.com]

reminds me of what some psychoanalyst once said: "madness is when you cant find anyone who can stand you"

[gomichan.livejournal.com]

Added to memories. This is well said.

[ninox.livejournal.com]

Sometimes your self analysis tends to stress you out too much. By focusing on the issues it raises further doubts and neurosis are formed. Most people have these feelings of insecurity if they strive for their idea of perfection. It is inevitable that it can never be attained.

For me it is the flaws in people that interest me and make them unique and gives them their "endearing" qualities, of which Andy you have many :)
I have always recognised that people are not perfect and I would never expect them to be such (apart from it used to drive me spare in a work scenario, I have improved my own opinion on that though). If I annoy people then generally tough, that tends to be me and people tend to accept it with a shrug of the shoulders and an "oh it's just Susan" type phrase. I'm happy to be "broken" in many respects though I do have a few aspects currently under review. My insanity is completely of my own doing - that is annoying.

Nice to see your learning a few lessons that most people take for granted.

[greengolux.livejournal.com]

No. I am not broken. Most people I know are not broken. We're none of us are perfect, but 'not-perfect' is not the same as 'broken'. There's two ways of not being perfect - one is to not meet the standards of perfection, the other is to not be part of a scale that can be measured in terms of perfection. 'Broken' implies a standard of perfection, and it implies once having met those standards, but now falling short of them because of having been damaged in some way.

I'm not broken, because I'm not the kind of thing that can be measured against standards of perfection. I am also not damaged. That doesn't mean I don't have my idiosyncrasies and foibles just like every other person on the planet. It just means that I don't think that any of that means that there's something wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with me, and I object to people telling me that there is.

You say you no longer believe there's such a thing as a perfect person, but your use of the term 'broken' belies that.

[andrewducker]

You say you no longer believe there's such a thing as a perfect person, but your use of the term 'broken' belies that.

It's a perfect description of how I feel. I am not perfect, and sometimes I am clearly broken.

[greengolux.livejournal.com]

Fair enough. But don't foist that on everyone else. Nobody's perfect, but we're not all broken either. Please don't conflate the two.

[andrewducker]

Having been very careful to outline what I mean, in this context, by the word "broken" in paragraphs 2 and 4, I stand by it entirely.

[balthial.livejournal.com]

Well said.

But one can always improve oneself. And, more to the point, its possible to inflict less of one's crap on one's friends. Certainly, I make a point not to bring out my insecurities except with people who I know won't stress out over it.

[neriedes.livejournal.com]

Yes.
To accept the good with bad.

'Everyone is broken' is something Bob Dylan would have said before any of those bands ;)