Advice for Girls

[andrewducker]

I can confirm that numbers 2,3 and 9 are definitely true.  (stolen from pickwick)

1. Having a boyfriend (or girlfriend) does not equate to having a life. By the same token, having someone else's boyfriend does not mean you have more life than them, and having two boyfriends does not mean you have twice as much life.

2. When you have sex with a man for the first time there is no point in the process where he will be thinking about how bad your cellulite (etc) is. He will be too busy thinking 'Hurray! This woman is prepared to have sex with me!' Or perhaps, 'Oh God! What will she think if I come too quickly?'

3. If a man tells you, upon prompting, your bum does not look big in something he might be lying, he might be telling the truth, but he is definitely bored.

4. If your boyfriend keeps telling you your stomach is too fat or your tits are too small or your thighs are too flabby, it does not mean there is anything wrong with your stomach/tits/thighs, it doesn't mean you need breast implants or gym membership or to starve yourself - it just means you need to dump your boyfriend.

5. Your period will be irritating, messy and often very painful. Get over it. You cannot claim you are equably able to be a surgeon, pilot, or bank manager as any man if you whine about needing a day off a month to go home and cuddle your hot water bottle. Nor does it give you the right to treat other people badly for a week because you are 'hormotional'. You might well be hormotional, but you can - and should - rise above it.

6. Equality - and equality of attitude - cut both ways. If you think the fact that Lorena Bobbit cut off her cheating boyfriend's penis is hilariously funny, you should be prepared to laugh with a man who cut off his cheating girlfriend's breasts.

7. The only circumstance in which it is appropriate for a man you are having sex with not to wear a condom is if you are in a faithful relationship and both of you have a clean bill of health. If a man tries to cop out of wearing one in any other situation, impress upon him that your vagina is like an exclusive night club - you don't get in unless you are on the VIP guest list and properly attired.

8. Snogging one of your girlie mates in a nightclub once does not make you bisexual. You only get to wear the pearl if you are prepared to suck down the oyster. Leaving 'acting bi to look trendy and make the boys interested' to ageing pop stars with flagging record sales or talentless nonentities who are so overexposed even the tabloids are bored of them getting their tits out.

9. Never ask a man what he is thinking, especially in bed. He will be obliged to disappoint you with the truth or deceive you with a lie.

10. If your relationship is flagging, or you have convinced yourself it is, do not spend hour after hour of your time analysing it and replaying conversations, emails and texts to try and find some hidden meaning. There probably isn't one. If you find yourself doing this, stop; pick up a book, put on a film, go to the gym, do anything that will engage or stimulate your interest. Most women, by the time they are forty, will have wasted enough time to have written a book or learnt a language or done a 100 small things that would enrich their lives, on pointlessly poring over men and relationships that they will ultimately come to see as insignificant or irrelevant to them.

Comments

[sneerpout.livejournal.com]

This is indeed genius. It was written by rosamicula, who is one of the wisest and wittiest writers on LJ.

[andrewducker]

Cheers! Glad to have proper attribution.

[pickwick.livejournal.com]

:o) Yeah, I hadn't attributed cos it was from a locked post in a private community (though with permission to share) but I wasn't comfortable with taking credit either!

[redshira.livejournal.com]

It was written by rosamicula, who is one of the wisest and wittiest writers on LJ.

That she may be, but by writing the point about periods in that flippant and dismissive way, she has instantly validated all those people who assume that all women who complain about periods are making a fuss over nothing, which in turn makes life even harder for those of us who suffer truly agonising PMS and periods due to genuine hormone disorders. I know this point was done to death in the Loos, but now her list is being reproduced all over LJ and it makes me furious that yet more "oh get over it, it's just a period" comments are being made. Some women do use periods as an excuse to be lazy and unpleasant, many others do their best to get on despite suffering terribly, but still have to take time off and/or make their needs known. It's a spectrum, as with most things, and I dislike her generalisation which was already a strong stereotype and really did not need reinforcing.

[andrewducker]

http://andrewducker.livejournal.com/1076293.html?thread=5627717#t5627717

[cybik.livejournal.com]

I totally agree with this comment.

I have never had period pains so bad I have had to take time off work (though a few times I've been sorely tempted), but my friend at school had to have some sort of injection every few months to stop her periods because she was otherwise unable to do anything for a few days a month (I think it must have been some contraceptive, but I'm really not sure).

[pickwick.livejournal.com]

But that's the point - your friend had a problem, went to the doctor, and got it fixed so that she WAS able to function. It's the people who don't seek treatment, just take three days a month off, that the list is talking about.

[cybik.livejournal.com]

From what my friend said I can't imagine there would be any woman who would -not- go to the doctor if they had pains that bad.

Depo Provera (which I have been told is the contraceptive that stops periods) has side effects (thinning bones, possibly alopecia, depression etc., etc.). The first of those side effects is the one I'd be most worried about. I also seem to recall it's a bit like the pill - you're not supposed to take it for more than about two years without having a break. Of course, that doesn't mean that someone -can't- take it for longer but if you're courting osteoporosis it seems like a bit of a nasty choice to have to make.

Also, entirely off topic: wow, icon love.

I agree there are women who will just use a bit of pain (sometimes quite severe, admittedly) as a reason to not go to work, but that doesn't mean that there aren't women who actually have pain so bad they -can't- work.

[channelpenguin.livejournal.com]

Depo Provera. yes it's a contraceptive. It thins your bones, though (and killed my sex drive. Makes some people fat. Wish they'd invent one without those side effects, cos the 'no periods' is fantastic).

[cybik.livejournal.com]

5. Your period will be irritating, messy and often very painful. Get over it. You cannot claim you are equably able to be a surgeon, pilot, or bank manager as any man if you whine about needing a day off a month to go home and cuddle your hot water bottle. Nor does it give you the right to treat other people badly for a week because you are 'hormotional'. You might well be hormotional, but you can - and should - rise above it.

Sounds like Man Flu.

[andrewducker]

I always assumed that women didn't suffer man-flu because they went "This? Hah! I have worse than this _every month_!"

[drjon.livejournal.com]

For those who, like me, did not have a clue: Man-Flu at Urban Dictionary.

[cybik.livejournal.com]

Heh, quite possibly.. A lot of women luckily don't tend to get really bad pains (myself included, although occasionally I'll be feeling like someone kicked me in the stomach for about three days*).


I think a lot of people (women included) don't quite realise how bad period pains can get. It's like the difference between headaches and migraines - headaches are annoying and painful, yes, but they are nothing compared with a migraine. I get irritated at people who casually say "oh, I've got such a bad migraine today," and then take a paracetamol and sit around in a bright room.



*I actually got kicked in the stomach a few months ago by some random woman who was drunk and trying to hit someone else. It hurt. The pain didn't last for more than ten minutes, though, and period pains do.

[katranna.livejournal.com]

5. Your period will be irritating, messy and often very painful. Get over it. You cannot claim you are equably able to be a surgeon, pilot, or bank manager as any man if you whine about needing a day off a month to go home and cuddle your hot water bottle. Nor does it give you the right to treat other people badly for a week because you are 'hormotional'. You might well be hormotional, but you can - and should - rise above it.

I'm good with everything else, but this? Um. Sometimes, for some girls, the pain is so bad that it IS debilitating. If a woman can't claim that she is equally able to be a surgeon or whatever because of her period pains, it is not because she is whiny and weak, but because the man does not have to put up with sucking-stabbing pains for 3-7 days a month.

Of course, it's not that bad for most women. But still. Are we saying no person who has any type of chronic pain is allowed to be a bank manager anymore?

[andrewducker]

There will always be people that a general statement doesn't apply to. The vast majority of women don't seem to be afflicted by terrible pain once a month and I think most people will read the post as applying to them, and not people who are suffering from unusually chronic pain.

In much the same way that when people have a cold, the advice is generally "Oh, it's just a cold, get on with it.", despite the fact that occasionally, for some people, they can be laid up for a few days unable to function.

[redshira.livejournal.com]

Yes, but the point is, the fact that A Woman is making this statement will be taken by many as a green light to rubbish the claims of a lot of women who have genuine problems. They won't stop to think that it might be worse for some than others. Add to this the fact that hormone disorders causing horribly painful periods are a lot more common than most people think (around 1 in 6 women has PCOS, for example, and then there are things like endometriosis, fibromyalgia, congenital adrenal hyperplasia, and various others) and you have a hell of a lot of women who are thinking "shit, nobody's going to believe me" and struggling on despite really not being able to, just because this is the prevalent attitude. Not everyone is reasonable the way you are, and for the most part a blanket statement of "Get over it" is damaging.

[andrewducker]

the fact that A Woman is making this statement will be taken by many as a green light to rubbish the claims of a lot of women who have genuine problems

Not by anyone who isn't an idiot. If people aren't capable of stopping to think about things and realising that there are always exceptions to rules and people who find things easier/more difficult than the average then I'm not interested in them in the first place. Nor am I interested in talking down to a level they can understand in what I write.

[cybik.livejournal.com]

anyone who isn't an idiot.

i.e. a scarily small percentage of the population.

[redshira.livejournal.com]

That's true enough, and nobody's suggesting you should talk down to a level that idiots can understand - as I said, the problem doesn't lie with you or people as reasonable and intelligent as you. Having said that, there are a surprising number of idiots on LJ who will get to see rosamicula's list. Ah well. There's nothing to be done about it, and I have to deal with so many people who don't get it, I suppose another few wouldn't make much difference to me.
I just have a problem with the phrase "get over it" on principle, anyway.

[drjon.livejournal.com]

(Oh, and *snarf*)

[thishardenedarm.livejournal.com]

"Lorena Bobbit at her trial for malicious wounding, descrbed beatings, anal rape, humiliation. She had been persistenly injured, hit, choked by a husband who liked hurting her. John Wayne Bobbitt, after a brief tour as a misogynsist media star, beat up a new woman friend" Andrea Dworkin, Life and Death, page 41.

And no, I dont think there is anything hilariously funny about any of that. And talk to me about equality when women are regularly raping, maiming and killing their husbands amd kids; or when the men stop. Having a wife or girlfriend doesnt equate with owning a property you can do what you like with. A lot of this post stinks, IMHO.

[andrewducker]

So the fact that more men attack women makes it ok for women to chop men's penises off or laugh about it?

And "men" don't need to stop. Individuals need to stop.

[thishardenedarm.livejournal.com]

if someone has been subjected to repeated abuse it certainly would enter into my evaluation of their actions, and sorry andy, but there is no way around the fact that the overwhelming amount of violence is from men, to women and children. Im not saying i condome what she did, but i wish more women could somehow be empowered to stop daily abuse. more women are killed by their partners than are killed in all the wars currently going on. Women are _more_ likely to be killed if they attempt to leave an abusive relationship. By their partners who are, oh yes, men.

[andrewducker]

And again you're missing my point.

Saying "We don't need to have sympathy for people of type X, because they've been bad to people of type Y." is what's led to intense cycles of feedback that never, ever end. When the Catholics and the Protestants can shout at each other and never stop fighting because the other side did something bad to them and therefore they're entitled to be unpleasant right back.

An eye for an eye leaves us all blind, as Ghandi once said. Being hurt isn't an excuse to hurt people.

You know I don't think that men should be allowed to beat women. But that doesn't make violence against men somehow okay, because it evens out some kind of imaginary karmic balance. Revenge doesn't lead anywhere good, it just leads to yet more hurt.

[thishardenedarm.livejournal.com]

"The shame of this physical capitulation, often sexual, and the betrayal of your self respect will never leave you. You will blame yourself, and hate yourself forever. In your mind, you will remember yourself - begging, abject. At some point, you will stand up to him verbally, or by not complying, and he will hit you and kick you; he may rape you; he may lock you up or tie you up. The violence becomes contextual, the element in which you try to survive

You will try to run away, plan an escape. If he finds out, or if he finds you, he will hurt you more. You will be so frightened you think dying might be okay...." Dworkin.

sorry this aint catholics and protestants, you are missing the point altoghether. This is A War, fought everywhere, everyday, with massive casualties. If it were happening to a country we would be arming the victims, we would be helping them to stand up for themselves, to turn against the enemy, to defy the enemy, and, if the enemy won't desist, to make it impossible for the enemy to hurt them anymore.

If this were happening to a country, it would be number one on Amnesties lists, there would be endless new bulletins about the most recent atrocities. There would be daily appeals. If this were happening to a country perhaps you would see that the women have been remrakably, _remarkably_ restrained in their response, despite almost no help from the state until recently, and that only for a lucky few in the west. Whilst the enemy are using their fists, their cocks, their guns and knifes on a daily basis, the victims have tended to respond with words, by trying to establish some safe spaces, by trying to change the law. For fucks sake they couldnt be more restrained if they were all Ghandi. They've been restrained for centuries. It hasn't stopped the violence.

So if one of these countless usually nameless victims actually retaliates, snaps at one point, if the occasional worm turns and takes on themselves the Lex Talionis, then power to them. Its a big deal tho, isn't it? They're not meant to do that. You can remember Lorena Bobbett's name, we can all remember her, because so few do stand up. Its remarkable. Its _not_ remarkable that women get beaten, raped, killed every day, this rarely makes the news, even tho it happens everywhere, everyday. But if one of these victims, if one of them, perish the thought, should defend herself, or strike back, thats news. If, God forbid, if there is a _male_ casuality in this war then that is news. Oh yes, we all remember the name of the one male victim. The women remain uncounted, unnamed. The women continue to be hurt.