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andrewduckerYonmei has attempted to start a meme, whereby we list the contents of the quote files that some of us have inexorably built up over the last few years. I used to have a quote file or three when I was at university, but what I really have now is a random .sig file, one of which is appended to the end of my emails. Apparently I now have 172 of them.
Over and over I find being redundant is key to success in the art of redundancy - Jay Armstrong
Humpty Dumpty was pushed!
"The quality of my life would be greatly reduced if I did not have nostrils." - 'Weird Al' Yankovic
I used to live in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
I can bend minds with my spoon.
For the next 60 seconds, I will conduct a test of my emergency broadcast equipment. AAAAHHHHH!!! Had this been a real emergency, the scream you just heard would be followed by lots more just like it. This concludes My test of my emergency broadcast equipment. - Calvin, 'Calvin & Hobbes.'
Some of my colleagues think that the chemicals we are experimenting with could potentially cause brain damage, however I think that fish crunchy bits of salami my new red hippie noodle. Naked pool frogs?
No-one suspects the butterfly!
Small, green leafy bodies, long tongues drooling over sharp incisors, they weren't human, they were brussel sprouts, killer brussel sprouts.
God Made Us Brothers, But Prozac Made Us Friends.
Life's short and hard, kind of like a bodybuilding elf.
This is the nineties, you don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, and so would an 80 lb. carrot.
Give a man a match and he'll be warm for an hour... Set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman. - Groundskeeper Willie
Alas, poor kiroY. I knew him backwards.
"SPOOOOOOON!" - the Tick
He's dead... But look! Hundreds of bright copper kettles, warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up in string! Someone was after a few of this guy's favorite things.
A horse is a horse, of course, of course, He follows a lifestyle we don't endorse. He drinks the blood of a sheep by force, The vampire horse, Count Ed.
Sometimes I have a difficult time handling myself in social situations. I just start scampering around neurotically, frantically jumping all over guests. I think it all goes back to when I was raised in the wild by miniature schnauzers.
How many people would you kill to bring about world peace?
All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though.
Space Opera. It's not over until the fat lady explosively decompresses...
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested, and the frog dies of it."
The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of whether submarines can swim. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windscreen.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like THE FORCE; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories of how to argue with women. Neither one works.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
These are, of course, sweeping generalisations with no basis in fact whatsoever.
People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed
I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool. ---Bertrand Russell
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
The Matrix may tell us that to conquer the false face of everyday reality we have to look like Keanu Reeves, carry guns, and kick the crap out of Hugo Weaving, but that sounds a lot easier than losing weight and finding a new job.
Badgers? We don' need no steenkin' badgers!
The stars predict that tomorrow you'll get out of bed, do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep.
If I wanted to hear the pitter patter of little feet I would put shoes on my cat
Once you take the conspiracy's away from them, you leave them pining for the fnords.
And the Scots, locked in their titanic never-ending struggle against their mortal enemies, the Scots.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
"Zaphod," he drawled, "great to see you, you're looking well, the extra arm suits you. Nice ship you've stolen."
Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for the appointment by the corrupt few.
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur
Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief. All kill their inspiration and sing about their grief
When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you sometimes find that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.
Industrial falls into the genre known as 'music.' It's an odd genre, but it helps to distinguish from things like 'art" and 'tricycles.'
Industrial Music does not have the Buddha Nature.
"In the beginning there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be light.' There was still nothing, but you could see a lot better."
My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
All truth passes through three stages: First it is ridiculed. Then it is violently opposed. Finally it is accepted as self-evident.
Today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday. And now, you know why.
Words can't describe the things that will happen to you this week. Fortunately, the mathematics of nuclear fusion can.
Finding is the new knowing.
"On two occasions, I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." -- Charles Babbage
See the recycle bin? Does someone come round and empty it?
I think I turned into myself this morning. But I'm not sure. I certainly don't feel any different.
"This is not Nam. This is bowling. There are rules."
"Pedantic" is another word for "Right"
"It is important to our friends that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to our friendship that we are not." --Mignon McLaughlin
My son has taken up meditation - at least it's better than sitting doing nothing. --Max Kauffmann
In the age of bovine spongiform encephalopathy brain eating isn't even considered a healthy diet anymore.
It's geek-rebel kind of smart arse thing, I can't help it, I was born that way.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Men's minds are like their watches. None go just the same but each believes his own - Alexander Pope
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights. --Paul Getty
Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious. ---B. C. Forbes
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, 'do you know how to drive this thing?'
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons. --Alfred E. Newman
In fact, one thing that I have noticed...is that all of these conspiracy theories depend on the perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find the facts also work if you assume everyone is endlessly stupid.
Sometimes the journey *is* its own reward--but not when you're trying to get to the bathroom in time.
"America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization." ---George Clemenceau, 1841-1921
I thought haiku meant - five-seven-five syllables - but I'm no expert
Some might say that boxing is a lot like ballet, except that they don't dance, there isn't any music, and they hit each other.
As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. -- Matt Cartmill
Sarcasm is not the greatest thing ever invented to end in 'asm'.
"Girl kills as she comes into town, then teams up with three outcasts to kill again." --the plot of 'The Wizard of Oz'
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." --Robert Firth
Computers let you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
"It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen."
"A map of the world that does not include Utopia is not even worth glancing at, for it leaves out the one country at which humanity is always landing. And when Humanity lands there, it looks out, and seeing a better country, sets sail. Progress is the realization of Utopias" -- Oscar Wilde
John Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
I have realised that it's actually possible to know _less_ than nothing about a subject - I am talking about people who deal with TCP/IP on the level of superstition. Give these people a goat & they wouldn't know what to do with it. -- alt.sysadmin.recovery
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. -- Joseph Romm, Washington
1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law!
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." -- Philip K. Dick
Of course, another way of looking at this is to change your frame of reference. You're sitting still, and the universe is rushing past far too fast. It's hardly *your* fault if the universe won't look where it's going and has inadequate brakes, is it? -- Malcom Ray
"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."
This space intentionally has nothing but text explaining why this space has nothing but text explaining that this space would otherwise have been left blank, and would otherwise have been left blank.
"Freedom of speech in Usenet means that when you shout 'Fire!' in a crowded theatre, half the crowd stands up and shouts, 'Wrong theatre!'"
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it is safer to harrass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damn things. --Dorothy Parker
In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."
"Actually this is a common misconception...I do *not* in fact have a lot of time on my hands at all! I just have a very very very very bad sense of priorities."
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. -- Oscar Wilde
This is a test of the emergency signature system. Were this an actual signature, you would see amusing mottos, disclaimers, a zillion net addresses, or edifying philisophical statements.
"I used to wish the universe were fair. Then one day it hit me: What if the universe were fair? Then all the awful things that happen to us in life, would happen because we deserved them. So now I take great pleasure in the general hostility and unfairness of things."
People always say you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster, or something. Like you can know what it is, even. But every so often, I'll have like -- a moment, where being myself, and my life right where I am is, like, enough. -- Angela Chase, "My So-Called Life"
This life has been a test. If had been an actual life, you would have received instructions on where to go, and what to do.
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson
I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It is us.
"When in danger Or in doubt, Run in circles, scream and shout."
"My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes."
There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network. -- Guy Almes
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. -- Albert Einstein
We do on the stage the things that are supposed to happen off. Which is a kind of integrity, if you look on every exit being an entrance somewhere else. --Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead"
Anyone who conducts an argument by appealing to authority is not using his intelligence; he is just using his memory. --Leonardo da Vinci
We think and name in one world, we live and feel in another. --Marcel Proust
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. -- Mark Twain
When there appears to be no hope; when all around you are screaming like lost souls and every spell you try fails to work;
when it appears that chaos and evil will at last triumph over good -- then it is truly time for a vacation.
"In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion." -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
"Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value!"
Things are more like they are now than they ever have been before
Text is a tool for sculpting thought. The thought, not the text, is the final form of the art.
I have always thought the best place for anything dangerous or toxic that governments or corporations produce is the middle of their headquarters. I am quite sure that if Congress or Parliament know that their good health depends on care and attention to the Thing in the Basement, then care and attention will be supplied unstintingly. Requiring all General Electric shareholders meetings to be held within 100 metres of their corporate waste dump will give the stockholders a real impression of what their maintenance budget is for.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
"Divine being creates petting zoo. It gets out of hand." - The Bible (summarised by John W. Mangrum)
By the way, did you know that if you start playing the soundtrack for "Sound of Music" at the same time the credits start at the beginning of the 70's anti-abortion propaganda film "Silent Scream", on minute 37 it looks like the little fetus is singing "My Favorite Things"? It's true: I found it on Google.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
We can no more hope to end drug abuse by eliminating heroin and cocaine than we could alter the suicide rate by outlawing high buildings or the sale of rope.
The Japanese tried coating airplane wings with teflon, but could never come up with a good nonstick flying plan.
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?"
If it were really diverse, they wouldn't just have music professionals on the board. They'd have a deaf person, some giggling schoolgirls, a super-intelligent killbot, and maybe a monkey.
Memes don't exist. Tell your friends
It's a bit like finishing Se7en with Morgan Freeman looking into the box and saying, "No, wait, my bad. It's just a volleyball."
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but hollowpoints expand on impact...
That's not really question/answer... more just question/waffle
"The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary." -- James D. Nicoll
You can laugh at people and you can point at people, but if you point and laugh at the same time, you're just begging for trouble.
Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation
If we were all online for the original purpose that the Internet was founded for, than we'd have names beginning with 'Colonel' and 'Lieutenant'.
RoadRunner's 3rd Law: An object at rest will stay at rest, even if suspended in midair, as long as it doesn't look down.
It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea. In an evolving universe, who stands still moves backwards - Robert Anton Wilson
Happiness is like wetting yourself. Everyone can see the signs but only you can feel the warmth.
Over and over I find being redundant is key to success in the art of redundancy - Jay Armstrong
Humpty Dumpty was pushed!
"The quality of my life would be greatly reduced if I did not have nostrils." - 'Weird Al' Yankovic
I used to live in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
I can bend minds with my spoon.
For the next 60 seconds, I will conduct a test of my emergency broadcast equipment. AAAAHHHHH!!! Had this been a real emergency, the scream you just heard would be followed by lots more just like it. This concludes My test of my emergency broadcast equipment. - Calvin, 'Calvin & Hobbes.'
Some of my colleagues think that the chemicals we are experimenting with could potentially cause brain damage, however I think that fish crunchy bits of salami my new red hippie noodle. Naked pool frogs?
No-one suspects the butterfly!
Small, green leafy bodies, long tongues drooling over sharp incisors, they weren't human, they were brussel sprouts, killer brussel sprouts.
God Made Us Brothers, But Prozac Made Us Friends.
Life's short and hard, kind of like a bodybuilding elf.
This is the nineties, you don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, and so would an 80 lb. carrot.
Give a man a match and he'll be warm for an hour... Set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman. - Groundskeeper Willie
Alas, poor kiroY. I knew him backwards.
"SPOOOOOOON!" - the Tick
He's dead... But look! Hundreds of bright copper kettles, warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up in string! Someone was after a few of this guy's favorite things.
A horse is a horse, of course, of course, He follows a lifestyle we don't endorse. He drinks the blood of a sheep by force, The vampire horse, Count Ed.
Sometimes I have a difficult time handling myself in social situations. I just start scampering around neurotically, frantically jumping all over guests. I think it all goes back to when I was raised in the wild by miniature schnauzers.
How many people would you kill to bring about world peace?
All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though.
Space Opera. It's not over until the fat lady explosively decompresses...
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested, and the frog dies of it."
The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of whether submarines can swim. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windscreen.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like THE FORCE; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories of how to argue with women. Neither one works.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
These are, of course, sweeping generalisations with no basis in fact whatsoever.
People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed
I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool. ---Bertrand Russell
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
The Matrix may tell us that to conquer the false face of everyday reality we have to look like Keanu Reeves, carry guns, and kick the crap out of Hugo Weaving, but that sounds a lot easier than losing weight and finding a new job.
Badgers? We don' need no steenkin' badgers!
The stars predict that tomorrow you'll get out of bed, do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep.
If I wanted to hear the pitter patter of little feet I would put shoes on my cat
Once you take the conspiracy's away from them, you leave them pining for the fnords.
And the Scots, locked in their titanic never-ending struggle against their mortal enemies, the Scots.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
"Zaphod," he drawled, "great to see you, you're looking well, the extra arm suits you. Nice ship you've stolen."
Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for the appointment by the corrupt few.
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur
Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief. All kill their inspiration and sing about their grief
When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you sometimes find that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.
Industrial falls into the genre known as 'music.' It's an odd genre, but it helps to distinguish from things like 'art" and 'tricycles.'
Industrial Music does not have the Buddha Nature.
"In the beginning there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be light.' There was still nothing, but you could see a lot better."
My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
All truth passes through three stages: First it is ridiculed. Then it is violently opposed. Finally it is accepted as self-evident.
Today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday. And now, you know why.
Words can't describe the things that will happen to you this week. Fortunately, the mathematics of nuclear fusion can.
Finding is the new knowing.
"On two occasions, I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." -- Charles Babbage
See the recycle bin? Does someone come round and empty it?
I think I turned into myself this morning. But I'm not sure. I certainly don't feel any different.
"This is not Nam. This is bowling. There are rules."
"Pedantic" is another word for "Right"
"It is important to our friends that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to our friendship that we are not." --Mignon McLaughlin
My son has taken up meditation - at least it's better than sitting doing nothing. --Max Kauffmann
In the age of bovine spongiform encephalopathy brain eating isn't even considered a healthy diet anymore.
It's geek-rebel kind of smart arse thing, I can't help it, I was born that way.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Men's minds are like their watches. None go just the same but each believes his own - Alexander Pope
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights. --Paul Getty
Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious. ---B. C. Forbes
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, 'do you know how to drive this thing?'
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons. --Alfred E. Newman
In fact, one thing that I have noticed...is that all of these conspiracy theories depend on the perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find the facts also work if you assume everyone is endlessly stupid.
Sometimes the journey *is* its own reward--but not when you're trying to get to the bathroom in time.
"America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization." ---George Clemenceau, 1841-1921
I thought haiku meant - five-seven-five syllables - but I'm no expert
Some might say that boxing is a lot like ballet, except that they don't dance, there isn't any music, and they hit each other.
As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. -- Matt Cartmill
Sarcasm is not the greatest thing ever invented to end in 'asm'.
"Girl kills as she comes into town, then teams up with three outcasts to kill again." --the plot of 'The Wizard of Oz'
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." --Robert Firth
Computers let you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
"It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen."
"A map of the world that does not include Utopia is not even worth glancing at, for it leaves out the one country at which humanity is always landing. And when Humanity lands there, it looks out, and seeing a better country, sets sail. Progress is the realization of Utopias" -- Oscar Wilde
John Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
I have realised that it's actually possible to know _less_ than nothing about a subject - I am talking about people who deal with TCP/IP on the level of superstition. Give these people a goat & they wouldn't know what to do with it. -- alt.sysadmin.recovery
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. -- Joseph Romm, Washington
1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law!
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." -- Philip K. Dick
Of course, another way of looking at this is to change your frame of reference. You're sitting still, and the universe is rushing past far too fast. It's hardly *your* fault if the universe won't look where it's going and has inadequate brakes, is it? -- Malcom Ray
"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."
This space intentionally has nothing but text explaining why this space has nothing but text explaining that this space would otherwise have been left blank, and would otherwise have been left blank.
"Freedom of speech in Usenet means that when you shout 'Fire!' in a crowded theatre, half the crowd stands up and shouts, 'Wrong theatre!'"
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it is safer to harrass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damn things. --Dorothy Parker
In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."
"Actually this is a common misconception...I do *not* in fact have a lot of time on my hands at all! I just have a very very very very bad sense of priorities."
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. -- Oscar Wilde
This is a test of the emergency signature system. Were this an actual signature, you would see amusing mottos, disclaimers, a zillion net addresses, or edifying philisophical statements.
"I used to wish the universe were fair. Then one day it hit me: What if the universe were fair? Then all the awful things that happen to us in life, would happen because we deserved them. So now I take great pleasure in the general hostility and unfairness of things."
People always say you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster, or something. Like you can know what it is, even. But every so often, I'll have like -- a moment, where being myself, and my life right where I am is, like, enough. -- Angela Chase, "My So-Called Life"
This life has been a test. If had been an actual life, you would have received instructions on where to go, and what to do.
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson
I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It is us.
"When in danger Or in doubt, Run in circles, scream and shout."
"My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes."
There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network. -- Guy Almes
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. -- Albert Einstein
We do on the stage the things that are supposed to happen off. Which is a kind of integrity, if you look on every exit being an entrance somewhere else. --Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead"
Anyone who conducts an argument by appealing to authority is not using his intelligence; he is just using his memory. --Leonardo da Vinci
We think and name in one world, we live and feel in another. --Marcel Proust
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. -- Mark Twain
When there appears to be no hope; when all around you are screaming like lost souls and every spell you try fails to work;
when it appears that chaos and evil will at last triumph over good -- then it is truly time for a vacation.
"In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion." -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
"Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value!"
Things are more like they are now than they ever have been before
Text is a tool for sculpting thought. The thought, not the text, is the final form of the art.
I have always thought the best place for anything dangerous or toxic that governments or corporations produce is the middle of their headquarters. I am quite sure that if Congress or Parliament know that their good health depends on care and attention to the Thing in the Basement, then care and attention will be supplied unstintingly. Requiring all General Electric shareholders meetings to be held within 100 metres of their corporate waste dump will give the stockholders a real impression of what their maintenance budget is for.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
"Divine being creates petting zoo. It gets out of hand." - The Bible (summarised by John W. Mangrum)
By the way, did you know that if you start playing the soundtrack for "Sound of Music" at the same time the credits start at the beginning of the 70's anti-abortion propaganda film "Silent Scream", on minute 37 it looks like the little fetus is singing "My Favorite Things"? It's true: I found it on Google.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
We can no more hope to end drug abuse by eliminating heroin and cocaine than we could alter the suicide rate by outlawing high buildings or the sale of rope.
The Japanese tried coating airplane wings with teflon, but could never come up with a good nonstick flying plan.
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?"
If it were really diverse, they wouldn't just have music professionals on the board. They'd have a deaf person, some giggling schoolgirls, a super-intelligent killbot, and maybe a monkey.
Memes don't exist. Tell your friends
It's a bit like finishing Se7en with Morgan Freeman looking into the box and saying, "No, wait, my bad. It's just a volleyball."
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but hollowpoints expand on impact...
That's not really question/answer... more just question/waffle
"The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary." -- James D. Nicoll
You can laugh at people and you can point at people, but if you point and laugh at the same time, you're just begging for trouble.
Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation
If we were all online for the original purpose that the Internet was founded for, than we'd have names beginning with 'Colonel' and 'Lieutenant'.
RoadRunner's 3rd Law: An object at rest will stay at rest, even if suspended in midair, as long as it doesn't look down.
It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea. In an evolving universe, who stands still moves backwards - Robert Anton Wilson
Happiness is like wetting yourself. Everyone can see the signs but only you can feel the warmth.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-10-18 04:09 am (UTC)I stopped reading these cos I like seeing them pop up at the bottom of emails.
But this one was the first that made me laugh out loud - Life's short and hard, kind of like a bodybuilding elf.
Very Stoppard :)
What would be fun would be to know where you got them. Mostly random comments on journals? or mostly lines from actual comedy scripts (etc)? I'm curious (yes, really) as to whether the best humour comes from random intercourse (as I suspect) or from highly trained comedy professionals :>
no subject
Date: 2003-10-18 04:42 pm (UTC)I'm curious (yes, really) as to whether the best humour comes from random intercourse (as I suspect) or from highly trained comedy professionals :>
Mixture. Most of them are from "cool quote" archives online, but some of them are just things people said.
Re: quotes...
Date: 2003-10-19 03:12 am (UTC)If you want though, you can read it here though.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-20 12:52 am (UTC)That one is the coolest, in a mindbending sort of way. Though I also like the bodybuilding elf.