Reflections on my autism diagnosis

[andrewducker]

It's a few months since I got my autism diagnosis, and I've now been asked by a few people if I thought that it was useful.

And in a purely technical sense* the answer is no. It's not made any real difference to my life. I already had a job. The job is already pretty flexible. So there's nothing technical that I need it for.

What I *have* noticed is that I've changed from feeling a defensive "I know what I need to be effective, and I'm willing to fight for it if I need it." whenever I'm doing anything in an unusual way. Instead I feel a "Fuck you, I'm autistic, and this is how I work.", which means I'm carrying around a fair bit less stress**.

Additionally, by me being open about it at work I've had a couple of people open up to me themselves. And I'm getting involved in how we deal with neurodiversity at work. And hoping to make a positive difference to people. And outside of work people have also come to me to talk about issues, and I've (hopefully) been helpful to them.

Plus, of course, I'm no longer carrying around the I'm a bad sparrow voice in the back of my head. Not that I did a lot of that, but it's nice to not have any of it at all. And if I wanted to go to an autism support group or something like that, then I'd be able to do so without feeling as weird about it.

So, although it hasn't made a massive difference to my life, it's definitely made a positive one. And if you were thinking of getting an assessment yourself, then I'd say it was worth kicking off the process, even if the current state of the NHS means it might take a while.


*Which is clearly the best one ;-)
**Although obviously I'd phrase it more politely when dealing with senior management. Probably.

Comments

[channelpenguin]

this is fascinating. I would have assumed that working lifelong in IT, that there would be no practical differences (it is kind of a given that most of us are more or less "odd"), but the emotional dimension is interesting.

I have personally felt pretty much zero need to explain myself in 30+ work years, but maybe I am a) not actually in any way autistic (lol, but it is possible) b) really really thick-skinned / unobservant (hmm yes, probably).

I have always assumed my colleagues all have their "little ways" and pretty much tried to cater for them (where it doesn't get in the way of everything for everyone for too long).

But I grew up with a family of engineers / highly numeric/ musical / odd folks with dubious social skills, and all my partners have been similar, so I guess maybe I was used to such!

[fyre]

I know when I got my diagnosis it recalibrated my perspective of how and why I work the way I do and made it all made a lot more sense to me. It's definitely lifted a mental barrier that I was "doing it wrong". It's not wrong. It's just a different way that is how my brain works - the work gets done (and more efficiently, thank you very much) but just not with as many ridiculous bureaucratic hoops.

Plus it explained so much about all the times I was reproached for being too direct/blunt/straightforward when I should have apparently been making office-based variations of polite waste of hot-air small talk with bosses, customers et all to massage their egos and make them happy instead of just doing my job as quickly and efficiently as possible. That was quite the epiphany XD

[cmcmck]

Well I was an unusual sort of teacher even allowing for my different sort of life's experience getting in the way (special needs specialists tend to be) and it worked for me and for my kids!

[vereybowring]

It's always good to get assurance of yourself, be it good or bad. Also knowing why your thought processes are unique does mean adjusting expectations a little but should give confidence in what you do.
For me, my diagnosis made sense of many things that happened in my life as well as reassurance I wasn't just ill (I do not miss all the psychiatric meds they tried on me). OK I have other issues to deal with but at least I don't have to worry about some things as much any more.
My nephew got a diagnosis early so entered adult life with at least a little idea of how the world is going to affect him. He's still going to have challenges that I can't imagine (every neurodivergent is unique after all) but at least he knows he can go get support and help. My sister always asked me for advice about him since she had noticed he was a lot like I was as a child, partly that's what got me to go get a diagnosis, and I still advise on occassion. Us late diagnosed had to fumble about a little, and no doubt mistakes were made. On the other hand we already lived a big chunk of life and figured out some things on our own.

[wildeabandon]

This definitely resonated with me. Long before I was diagnosed I'd essentially managed to build a life with the kind of accomodations I needed, so it made much less practical difference than the ADHD diagnosis. But the psychological shift of no longer seeing my autistic traits as a personal failure has been profound.

[zz]

i am *so* over being told i "need to learn to communicate".

[vivdunstan]

That's fascinating! Thanks for sharing. I keep trying to encourage my husband to get investigated. We have a private option we can afford almost on our doorstep ... Though he probably won't get round to getting it done. But it's really interesting to see how having this diagnosis has worked out for you. I read out the sparrows and penguin post to Martin too. He was wowed.

[agoodwinsmith]

I am wondering, since you feel your children may also experience this square peg round hole thing, whether you think having your own diagnosis will give you more power in relationships with "experts" who may have snazzy ideas about your children. Or, worse, are you worried that said "experts" may brush you off as anecdotal?

[draigwen]

Thank you so much for posting this.

I think at this stage I want to wait to see what happens with Sam and his assessment before I start considering my own. I don't think my brain can cope with both at the same time.

I'm actually wondering if a diagnosis will be more helpful for my friends and colleagues, rather than me, so they can understand me better. It may also help me explain to them why some of the things they say can be really hurtful to me.

[myka]

I'm happy for you!

[fub]

I've heard more often that having a diagnosis is a bit of a relief, in the sense of "I'm not defective, I'm just different".

My niece, who is turning 20 in a few days, also has an autism diagnosis, and for her it has worked wonders. She can recognise why she acts the way she does, and can set realistic expectations for herself and her environment. She is smart enough to recognise the patterns of behaviour of others and react accordingly. She's a delight to have around, because she is so reliable.