andrewducker: (Default)
[personal profile] andrewducker

Date: 2019-03-12 03:10 pm (UTC)
danieldwilliam: (Default)
From: [personal profile] danieldwilliam
What would your advice be to the young suitor?

Date: 2019-03-12 04:20 pm (UTC)
wildeabandon: picture of me (Default)
From: [personal profile] wildeabandon
Honesty with your own information is one thing and generally laudable. Outing other people is pretty crummy.

Date: 2019-03-12 04:34 pm (UTC)
wildeabandon: picture of me (Default)
From: [personal profile] wildeabandon
I'd be a lot more likely to be okay with it. There are some circumstances where I'd still frown on it (e.g. the cheated on spouse was abusive, and the cheater felt unsafe leaving), but in general I don't think cheating is something about which one has a duty to respect privacy.

Date: 2019-03-12 04:41 pm (UTC)
wildeabandon: picture of me (Default)
From: [personal profile] wildeabandon
That's true. But I think there's something to be said for sticking to basic norms of decency even when people are treating you badly.

I don't entirely endorse this suggestion, but in that position I might be quite tempted to point out that if he wanted me to keep his secret he might not want to make my life with his daughter difficult.

Date: 2019-03-12 04:20 pm (UTC)
armiphlage: Ukraine (Default)
From: [personal profile] armiphlage
And it wouldn't be the first relationship in the history of the world where not all the in-laws were supportive.

Hmm

Date: 2019-03-12 04:40 pm (UTC)
lsanderson: (Default)
From: [personal profile] lsanderson
I think I'd like to hear wot Dan Savage has to say about this mess.

Re: Hmm

Date: 2019-03-12 07:54 pm (UTC)
ninetydegrees: Art: self-portrait (Default)
From: [personal profile] ninetydegrees
Yep!

Date: 2019-03-12 05:11 pm (UTC)
danieldwilliam: (Default)
From: [personal profile] danieldwilliam
Sadly few people are as awesome as you and I think I agree with Pamela Stevenson myself. With ordinary human beings involved this is train wreak waiting to happen.

Premptive honesty by the father is going to damage his relationships with his wife, probably daughter, and probably the relationship of the correspondent with members of the family.

Premeptive honesty by the correspondent damages the relationship between father and mother and, as the trigger of that, between correspondent and most other people.

The chances of honesty producing a family dynamic where the correspondent is welcomed as a member of the family by everyone in it seems slender.

Letting it lie is, I think, going to lead to a volatile and festering situation which is very, very likely to end badly. Either because the truth comes out or because the unspoken truth damages relationships.

So I think it's a fair bet that this is going to end badly at some point and the longer it goes on the more bad the ending is likely to be.

I mean, imagine six years in to the future when the family gather to celebrate Christmas with new grandchildren and the whole story comes out.

Date: 2019-03-13 09:49 am (UTC)
alithea: Artwork of Francine from Strangers in Paradise, top half only with hair and scarf blowing in the wind (Default)
From: [personal profile] alithea
Yes, me too.

It strikes me that he could tell the girlfriend about the bi phase and that it's going to affect her family and then ask her whether she wants to know more before disclosing the full story. She deserves to understand as much as she wants to and for them to discuss whether they want to face the fall out together, rather than him deciding for both of them based on her father's wishes.
Edited Date: 2019-03-13 09:50 am (UTC)

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