Cause I'm one step closer to the edge

[andrewducker]

This evening I hung out with mark_nicol* after work. We had a drink in two different bars**, looking for somewhere quiet in town on a Thursday night, and chatted about India, javascript frameworks, and massive radio telescopes. It was really nice.

Except that after about an hour, my body started doing the same thing it seems to start doing after an hour with _anyone_ at the moment. Which is going into panic mode, where I'm suddenly being loud, sweaty, shaky, and generally really on edge.

And it doesn't seem to need anything to happen in order for this to happen - it happened the last two times I saw cairmen too - and he's also a delightful person who is fun to spend time with.

It seems to happen to some extent with pretty much anyone I spend time with at the moment. I assume that my generally raised stress levels from the ongoing life stuff are interacting with my natural introversion*** to mean that an hour of other people is all I can take before I need to escape. Either literally, or into my phone/internet if that's easier than physically departing.

And I feel rubbish for this. Because I like people, and I like spending time with them. And I don't want them to feel that I'm constantly running away from them.

But I'm not sure what, if anything, I can do about it at the moment.

*Who is absolutely lovely, smart, and interesting, and you should go friend him and persuade him to write more.
**One drink in each, we didn't split the drink between bars, they don't like that.
***Yes, really.

Comments

[lilysea]

Gah! *sympathies* *that sounds really unpleasant*

Could factors like
- noisy, crowded pub environment
- alcohol
- sensitivity to a preservative in the beer
be playing a part?

Do you get the same reaction, say, strolling through a park with a friend?

I have hypervigilance and PTSD-like symptoms, and I find I do MUCH better socialising in a quiet environment than in a pub or cafe - the background noise of music, coffee machines, other people's loud conversations amps up my adrenalin levels.

[azurelunatic]

If about an hour is all you can take right now, say you'll only be able to spend about an hour up front. It looks less like you're running away when that's the plan to start with.

Good luck. It's terribly un-fun. :(

[andrewducker]

All of the above have an effect. But even strolling through the park with a friend has some effect. In fact, one-to-one conversations are stressful because I feel like I need to carry my half of the conversation, and then I worry about that after a while!

(But yes, noisy places make things worse.)

[andrewducker]

Thank you, and yes, I'll work on that :-)