(no subject)

[andrewducker]

I've felt tired beyond belief for about 3 weeks now. I've been vaguely lacking in sleep for months, but it never affects me that much because I'm never short of more than an hour ot two and I catch up at weekends. The last few weeks, however, it's been worse. It's not that I'm any further behind in my sleep, but I just haven't been able to raise any energy.

Every time I try to raise any enthusiasm for anything, I just feel flat and I've gone into total 'consumer' mode, where I'm able to read and watch and surf, but being at all productive is beyond me. I'm fairly sure it's stress based, partially because work's been quite stressfull(will detail elsewhere when I have the energy) and partially because the whole house thing is daunting. There's so much to do, not much time to do it in and there's just me and Erin to do most of it.

I think largely, that I feel like I'm in a hole, trying to claw my way out and not managing to at all. I know that things are slowly getting better and will keep doing so, but they don't really feel like they are. I'm hoping that having moved in, sorted out all the necessary expenses and turned everything vaguely shipshape, my life will calm down sufficently for me to actually feel stable for a while.

I'm bracing myself for the next couple of months of chaos and re-organisation, for getting myself set up in yet another flat, finding yet more routes to the necessary places, learning new patterns of living, etc. I could just do with a period of calm and relaxation in my life. I feel like I've been on hold for far too long, promising myself that when the next crisis is over I'll be able to get on with the things I want to. I'm slowly approaching the realisation that there will never be a calm period again. There will never be a time when I don't have more things to do than there are hours in the day.

And I know that feeling that way is ridiculous, because I really don't have that much to do - compared to some people my responsibilities aren't that large at all. But I don't wear responsibility well. I don't like having to worry about the consequences, plan out the necessaries and deal with the eventualities. I feel like I haven't been able to take my mind off of everything and concentrate on just me in so very long. And yet, looking back at it, I can't see anything I would have done differently.

Sigh. Shower time, I think. And then bed. Cleanliness and sleep may not be the answer, but they will probably make coping a lot easier.