The Rules

[andrewducker]

I don't agree with all of these. But I'd say I've encountered at least 90% in person, and at least 5% more have been reported to me.

You can replace "cars" and "sports" with "computers" and "roleplaying" if you wish.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules. Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that;

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down;

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be;

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way;

1. Crying is blackmail;

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!
* JUST SAY IT!;

1. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question;

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for;

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor;

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days;

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us;

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one;

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done
* Not both
* If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself;

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials;

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we;

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
* Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour.
* Pumpkin is also a fruit.
* We have no idea what mauve is

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.;

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle;

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear;

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really;

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:
* Sex,
* Sport, or
* Cars;

1. You have enough clothes;

1. You have too many shoes;

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

And yes. I know that this won't apply to at least some of you. And not all of it applies to me. That's because everyone is a shiny unique snowflake, and any generalisation will fail to apply to some people. If you weren't different to the norm you probably wouldn't be on LJ in the first place...
(stolen from drjon)

Comments

[henriksdal.livejournal.com]

Ha ha men can't count past 1.

[andabusers.livejournal.com]

That is because it looks like a penis and they get distracted.

[chuma.livejournal.com]

Girls can't count past Zero...

[henriksdal.livejournal.com]

OH GOD WE'VE JUST REDUCED HUMANITY TO BINARY

[robhu.livejournal.com]

true

True Story

[henriksdal.livejournal.com]

"I had three girlfriends, but wasn't sure which one to marry. So I decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

"The first one went out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and comes back to my place and says, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." I was very touched and aroused, and we had lots of great sex.

"The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and brings them back to me as gifts. This sweet girl looked into my eyes and said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." I watched my new television with great enjoyment!

"The third one takes the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returns the original $5000 to me and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." She has enough to buy me a new boat.

"I thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits."

[dapperscavenger.livejournal.com]

I will always disagree with the toilet seat thing. It must be down when expecting visitors, a bit like how you don't leave porn and dirty knickers around when you're expecting guests either. At any other time it really doesn't matter.

[chuma.livejournal.com]

You're clearly strange :P :)

I have no idea why I'm in the mood to be more vociferous about my feminism today than usual but

[slammerkinbabe.livejournal.com]

What the fuck is with the first #1? They're my fucking breasts, not yours [speaking to the male sex in general, and the original author of this piece in specific], and I get to say what they're for and what they're not for. Jesus Christ.

Part of the problem here, I'm sure, is that I don't know what "Rules" this is a response to. And I'm not entirely sure how much of this is sarcasm. But you seem to be implying in your pre- and post-notes on the entry that guys actually... say these things? And, I'm sorry, but any guy who attempts to tell ME what to do with my breasts, and who justifies it by telling me that they only exist for male visual consumption, is getting a swift kick to the nuts and a sweet smile from me explaining that's what *they're* "meant for".

(I agree with some of the rest and disagree with some of the rest, but 1.1 is the only one that made my brain rise up and scream WTF.)

Re: I have no idea why I'm in the mood to be more vociferous about my feminism today than usual but

[andrewducker]

To be honest, the breasts one was the only one I felt bad about leaving in there (well, the headache one too - but much less so).

I would argue that it's more saying "If there are breasts on display then men will look at them, and that putting breasts on display while expecting men to ignore them is not a useful strategy" - but the phrasing is clearly awful. I'd definitely agree that in, say, a work situation, or with people you don't know, people should at the least be very discreet about whether they find other people attractive. Commenting on your co-workers breasts should most definitely be a no-no (the same for wolf-whistling in the street, etc.)

Re: True Story

[andrewducker]

That (and the answers above) were absolutely the best responses possible. Nice one :->

Re: True Story

[robhu.livejournal.com]

bwhaha!

Re: I have no idea why I'm in the mood to be more vociferous about my feminism today than usual but

[slammerkinbabe.livejournal.com]

That's fair - I much prefer your phrasing/interpretation. In all honesty, I just kind of assume that if someone is putting cleavage on display it is for the purpose of getting people to look/find you attractive. Obviously there are times when this falls down (hot summer days when a high-necked shirt ain't gonna cut it, certain required uniforms, and obviously breastfeeding, public or private, is in a whole 'nother category altogether [I'm one of those people who thinks public breastfeeding should be accepted and subject neither to glares nor ogles]); but in general, yeah, if my cleavage is on display it's because I feel like sharing the wealth with anyone who wishes to ogle, male or female. :)

That said, some women have breasts large enough that they'd require turtlenecks not to be displaying cleavage, and their breasts will draw attention to themselves no matter what they (the women do). Basically, I think men are capable of reading women's signals of body language and clothing as to whether gawking is appropriate, and that men who wish to behave appropriately either already read those signals, or should begin to do so.

And this is way more thought than I ever figured I'd devote to this particular subject. I apologize for sucking all the fun out of your meme.

Re: I have no idea why I'm in the mood to be more vociferous about my feminism today than usual but

[andrewducker]

Not at all - and you didn't. And I appreciate you taking the time to discuss it. I wouldn't post anything I didn't want to talk about, after all :->

It's not unreasonable to expect men to be better about being discreet and reading body language than many of them are. I'm lucky that I move in reasonably liberal/educated circles, so I don't get exposed to too much overt sexism. I suspect I'm more comfortable with jokey things because of that. If I was surrounded by it I suspect I'd be much more sensitive.

And in Scotland you aren't allowed to prevent someone from breastfeeding in public. Even if they're in your shop/restaurant/etc.

Re: I have no idea why I'm in the mood to be more vociferous about my feminism today than usual but

[channelpenguin.livejournal.com]

it's a joke. really. all of it.

and a very old one too. a response to some sappy self help book originally I think...

Re: I have no idea why I'm in the mood to be more vociferous about my feminism today than usual but

[henriksdal.livejournal.com]

I was more fascinated by the fact that "breasts are for looking at". looking at? That's it? Wow. So glad I'm gay.

Re: I have no idea why I'm in the mood to be more vociferous about my feminism today than usual but

[andrewducker]

Actually - I really _have_ encountered 90% of it.

Re: I have no idea why I'm in the mood to be more vociferous about my feminism today than usual but

[slammerkinbabe.livejournal.com]

Given that andrewducker posted it and he responded in a way that indicates that I took it no more seriously than he intended it... I understand it's a joke, but I also understand that jokes of this sort are usually meant to be "funny because they're true" and that therefore there is an underlying "serious" note that is integral to the joke's "humor".

I have no knowledge of the original self-help book, but if it helps, I'd probably find that similarly irritating...

Re: I have no idea why I'm in the mood to be more vociferous about my feminism today than usual but

[andrewducker]

So is Slammerkinbabe.

Well worth reading too.

[cybik.livejournal.com]

But women can. ;P

Re: I have no idea why I'm in the mood to be more vociferous about my feminism today than usual but

[chuma.livejournal.com]

Think you're taking this far too seriously. Any "Rules" as far as gender go do not apply to half the population of the planet. I do find that you getting irritated by a joke where men are the subject of the humour (or at least the stereotypical attitudes of your average 'bloke') kinda odd too.

[khbrown.livejournal.com]

Against the these are not to be taken seriously argument, perhaps it is that rules like this can have a serious, real-world effects if we take them as a statement of the way things really, essentially are and then use this as a way of saying we don't need to think about whether that is how they should be or that change is impossible.

Or, to cite my favourite sociology 1 quote, "If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences."

[lizzie-and-ari.livejournal.com]

Would just like to point out that Columbus did need directions, clearly, as he was actually looking for India, but bumped into America instead, and was subsequently so stupid that he didn't notice, obliviously calling the natives he found there Indians.

As with Columbus so with men, who never discovered my India at all, not once.:)

[andrewducker]

Not once?

Good Lord you dated some appallingly crap men.

Also, Columbus was looking for the East Indies (i.e. the Malay Archipeligo). Still a major miscalculation, of course :->

[aliiis.livejournal.com]

Ha! Yeah, I had to wonder about that one too - and the 'breasts are for looking at' one. As henriksdal so rightly says, 'That's it? wow.'

Overall I think this makes me feel glad, on reflection, that some men aren't totally useless, but sorry for the ones you found (and some that I did, too, long time passing).