Common misconceptions about Andy (#76 in an ongoing series)

[andrewducker]

I've been accused before of being addicted to helping lost causes.

And there's some truth in that.

I've also been that that's because I enjoy it, that I'm only happy when people are dependent on me.

And that's not even slightly true.

In fact I loathe people being dependent on me - I feel trapped and stressed by it.

I don't mind helping people out with the occasional thing - being able to help someone out with a problem is fine by me - I'd like my friends to be happy after all.

But I don't feel good from helping them - I just stop feeling bad for the fact that they have a problem.

I see unhappy people, people who aren't unable to cope, people in pieces, and it tears me up inside.  I feel their pain and I'll do pretty much anything to make it stop.

And _that's_ my problem.

Comments

[octopoid-horror.livejournal.com]

I'm like Rhett Butler. I have a thing for lost causes once they're really lost.

That is, regrettably (and to the dismay of most of the women I know), the only way in which I'm like Rhett Butler.

[flickgc.livejournal.com]

Urp. Sorry....

Second

[wordofblake.livejournal.com]

I second that emotion. I don't feel useful or appreciated when people need me. I want to fix what is wrong but it doesnt make me feel good or special. Like you I feel stressed and trapped.

Maybe we could get a badge to inform people?

"Helping you doesnt validate my existence"

[channelpenguin.livejournal.com]

woah, there was a hideous layout (or non-layout, actually) there for a sec, threw me totally.

Maybe it's the problem-solving that's the root driver, the why you keep doing it. Any problem unsolved, that you think you could have a go at and analyse and at least ponder how to improve is pretty irresistable, no? I am a bit like that.

Of course my main compulsion is optimisation... (which is where the reductionism comes from)

Re: Second

[channelpenguin.livejournal.com]

*Irresistably hums some Smokey Robinson*

[andrewducker]

Oh, there's that as well - the feeling of "If only this person would listen to me then I could sort out their problems in 10 seconds flat." - but that only comes _after_ the wish to sort things out for them, and I now firmly realise that it's actually very easy to know the right thing to do, doing it is a lot harder.

[dalglir.livejournal.com]

But you're talking specifically about people in your monkeyspace right?

Otherwise you'd be volunteering in homeless shelters and soup kitchens.

[channelpenguin.livejournal.com]

Maybe you are just so disturbed and confised by emotional behaviour that you feel the need to sort it out and therefore only ever have to deal with nice rational people ;-)

A kind of tidying urge :-)

[andrewducker]

My monkeyspace is infinite - but gradiated.

And as such I do less for some people than others, and in this case I have a few standing orders to various charities.

[dalglir.livejournal.com]

Gotcha. Its impossible for an individual to help everyone who needs help to the same degree.

I experienced and saw a few things that made me 'colder' to other's suffering. I no longer feel anywhere near as sympathetic towards The World as I did, say, at university. Outside of my restricted monkeysphere, I support 2 charities (Cancer Research and The International Red Cross), and I give money to homeless people who're working for it (Big Issue, busking).

Where did all my charity go?

[andrewducker]

You stopped thinking that not caring made you a bad person. And you changed your priorities. Both of these tend to happen as people get older.

That's why younger people tend to be more left-wing than older people (although obviously the trend isn't terribly strict).

[thishardenedarm.livejournal.com]

"If we had a keen vision and feeling of all ordinary human life, it would be like hearing the grass grow and the squirrel's heart beat, and we should die of that roar which lies on the other side of silence. As it is, the quickest of us walk about well wadded with stupidity." -- George Eliot, Middlemarch

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

Actually my charitable inclinations (tho not necessarily practice :( have grown as I've got older - a, I have more money to give and b, I feel less and less like the world owes me a living and the contrary is in fact true - I owe the world. But I suspect most people (ie breeders) the charitable instinct goes into ones kids so yes, the feeling to care for strangers probably does decline in the majority a s they get older = their own family together.

[ninox.livejournal.com]

Far too many lost causes out there. Too much angst generated to care about them all. People need to take responsibility for their own actions before things can be rectified. I have far too many friends who are walking disaster areas, but that is their problem and if they need help they ask. Then I try to be sympathetic and realise I'm not to good at it, so give them a prod to sort it out themselves. Or I'm good at listening and cheesecake, they have the option.

As a generally accepted long term lost cause - I'm quite happy there. It's kind of me and therefore my problem.

But remember you are too easy to wind up with these kind of comments!