Frustration part 1

[andrewducker]

One of the many, many things I have done to annoy my various girlfriends is to treat their problems as things in search of a solution.  They would come to me and say "X is wrong." and I would explain to them how to fix it.

Clearly, this is not what they were looking for, and they would find it very annoying that I would spend time trying to explain the patently obvious to them.  What they were actually looking for was some emotional reassurance while they sorted it out themselves, which they were perfectly capable of doing so, if only someone would give them a hug, and tell them it would all be ok.

My problem is that when people come to me with their problems, I take them on as my own.  If someone says "I can't do X." then I treat X as _my_ problem.  I care about X.  I worry about X.  I desparately want to get X sorted.  Knowing that X is out there, carrying on with it's wilful existence, makes me feel itchy and frankly I want it gone.

With some problems (other people's computers, for instance) this is fine - I can step in, fix the problem, receive a brief round of applause, and then relax.

Other problems, however, aren't so simple.  They involve emotional situations which _aren't in my head_.  They're in someone else's head, and no matter how much I want to lean over, flip open their head and fix the problem, I can't.  Which means I get more and more frustrated, because I've taken on this problem and I'm not allowed to fix it.  And then I make things worse by pressuring them to fix it, so that I can feel better again.

The question, then, is how to care about someone else's problem without taking ownership of it.  I can do that intellectually, but if I actually _emotionally_ care about someone's problem, then I get sucked back into this horrible situation again, pressuring them to fix their problem, so that I can feel better again.

Hmmmm.  Going to require more work, I think

Comments

[opusfluke.livejournal.com]

See my post called "Lucky White Heather" to see what I'm trying to handle for Lady Supervixen. In my experience it's best to give a hug and say "I'm a man and so am easily confused. Do you wish practical advice as well as this hug or just the hug?" Eventually it's taken on board that this is not a joke and "Just a hug and a rant" is my signal to disengage the Super Computer Brain for a while.

[octopoid-horror.livejournal.com]

"One of the many, many things I have done to annoy my various girlfriends is to treat their problems as things in search of a solution. They would come to me and say "X is wrong." and I would explain to them how to fix it."

By which you mean "explain to them how you think they should fix something which you don't understand and may not even be a real thing anyway and they weren't actually wanting help..."?

I advise being more like that handsome Patrick Bateman, or at the very least a cleric of the Tetragrammaton.

[odheirre.livejournal.com]

Read Deborah Tannen's stuff :-)

It's not as much "emotional reassurance" as simple intimacy -- closeness. By trying to "fix the problem," you're preventing that.

Which doesn't help.

[channelpenguin.livejournal.com]

It's not *exclusively* a female thing, I don't suppose.

It seems connected to what we were talking about once about how people need the *form* of consideration and support even if they knew the substance was lacking. I just cannot understand that one at all, but I had to agree it was true.

I suppose people want you to care about *them* not see them as a series of problems, or as anything more functionally decomposed than the whole of themselves. Whereas you, and I, and many people of a similar mindset almost compulsive break things down into components and deal with them like that.

I really don't know, *I* don't think or feel that breaking something down and getting into more detail is a diminishment of anything (people, art, whatever), but rather an enhancement - but it is clear that many folks think/feel the opposite - I don't know why at all. Maybe that's it. Not eveyone is desperate to know the 'why' (and 'how') of things. greater understanding is greater enjoyment/appreciation for me...

[communicator.livejournal.com]

I think you will do well in negotiating the emotional minefield, Andrew, because you use your analytical mind to keep thinking, keep considering the alternatives. Because you have good faith - you genuinely want them to work - and you are highly intelligent, I don't see how you can fail to build good relationships throughout your life.

I compare this with a person who might be very similar to you in abilities and strengths, but has decided that more emotional and instictive people are inferior. What a disadvatage that person has, becuase they don't even know what they don't know (if you see what I mean).

[opusfluke.livejournal.com]

I still say throwing your hands up and saying "I'm only a man hence easily confused" is the best policy. HAvig been with the same woman for twelve years it seems to work. Or maybe she just feels pity for me. The Y-Chromosone sems to bloke telepathy.

[stormie.livejournal.com]

you fix computers! joy!

my laptop is very upset at the moment. can i bring it round sometime in exchange for fud of your choice?

[taromazzy.livejournal.com]

Why bother to emotionally care about a problem?
Why not care about the person and let them care about the problem?

You got the point that a person generally wants your support & backup in order that they can go out into the big bad world and sort it out themselves.

But by sorting out problems for people you teach them they can't and they will go to others for their solucitons the next time.

[opusfluke.livejournal.com]

Or just mutter "You think you got problems? The nightmares have started again. Think 'l just take the Black Dog for a walk."