(no subject)

[andrewducker]

I meet a guy, usually under benign circumstances, and we become "friends," we hang out, we go to dinner, movies, we have the conversations about our feelings on the opposite sex without directly talking about how we feel about each other. The relationship goes like this long enough so that I get comfortable, I think, Cool, I have a new friend. I don't think he's interested in being more than my friend, because if he was he would have tried to kiss me, offered to buy me dinner, done something that was more than just friendly. Sure, some part of me secretly wonders why. We're both single, attractive adults, but I'm happy having a new friend who won't talk in the middle of movies and will listen to my stories.

Then it happens, it always happens. Maybe there's too much beer involved; maybe, as in the latest case, there's too little electricity -- whatever. He makes his move. It doesn't matter whether I end up making out with him or I say something along the lines of I'd rather preserve our friendship, because right then, the friendship is over. It never turns into that romantic-comedy mushy romance of my lifetime crap. Either I call too much after that because I still think we're friends or, horror of horrors, I might be hoping that there was more to this than a one-night stand and he thinks I'm being clingy or he gets clingy or I hurt his ego or whatever. It never works out; we never can remain friends.

Observations from the crowd?

Comments

[catamorphism.livejournal.com]

Not universal truth, or bisexuals would never be friends with anyone.

[weetanya.livejournal.com]

that was well-expressed. i understand the moment of awkwardness, it suxors.

:(

[green-amber.livejournal.com]

I like the way you don't explain :) But I thought you lived with tisme? Oh god, more poly ? {sigh}

[nickys.livejournal.com]

Sometimes it's possible to remain friends after a one-night stand, but it takes a bit of negotiation, and, importantly, non-fragile egos on both sides.

Both parties need to be able to deal with the fact that they are not being chosen as a longer term partner, and that can be hard to deal with, even when it's somebody you know isn't right for you.
Rejection still hurts, even if you know it's for the best in the long run, and you have to get past that pain before you can be friends again properly.

[rahaeli.livejournal.com]

Either I call bullshit, or I'm luckier than I ever knew. I've *never* had this problem.

[heron61.livejournal.com]

I've never much seen the point of one-night-stands. Then again, I mostly only tend to become sexually interested in folk I'm in love with.

Falling in love with friends makes sense, and I've had fairly good results with it. The tricky part is when one is still getting to know someone and the definition of the relationship is not clear. In such cases, if my initial intuition that this person is someone that I'd would be highly compatible with seems correct, I tell the person I'm interested in them. At this point odds seem to be about:

45% chance they say they are not interested and become sufficiently freaked out about the fact that I'm interested in them that the friendship rapidly falls apart.

45% chance they are not interested in romance but we continue to have an excellent friendship.

10% chance that they are also interested in me and things become romantic.

[wolflady26.livejournal.com]

I've had both good friendships that evolved into good relationships and male friends that I knew had a crush on me but who also knew that I wasn't interested in more than friendship with them. It does make things a bit awkward for a bit if a male friend makes an advance and gets rebuffed, but with a little bit of tact it can be smoothed over.

I even had a male friend who totally spooked me out one time by making advances on me kinda forcefully after he broke up with his girlfriend, but even though I was quite literally scared for my safety that night, we remained friends afterwards.

My husband was my friend for about a year and a half before we dated, and my ex, who I dated for five years, was my friend for about three years previously.

So, to sum it all up, my opinion is that it can happen that romantic feelings can mess up a friendship, but they don't have to. And that if you are friends with a girl and want it to go farther, get up the nerve to tell her without making it a huge deal (Hey, Blah, do you think it would be weird if we went out on a date some time?) and accept it with good grace if she just wants to be friends.

[kpollock.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I generally just jumped people as soon as I felt the urge (well, you know, I might wait for a slightly more private place). Perks of being female I suppose :-) If we all did that then there woudln't be a problem.

Nobody that I was friends with, then slept with seemed to fall out with me or stop talking to me (not even Chris C - we always still talked [shouted, fought] maybe that was the problem :-) )

I am famously oblivious to people being interested in me, though, so I suppose I miss a lot of the first stage for that reason too.

Sex isn't a big deal, either its presence or absence. I don't have much of an ego that way - if you don't fancy me, I won't get upset and I won't stop talking to you. Not everybody likes the same thing - like pizza toppings or whatever.


Of the men I have known for a long time, there have been the ones I fancied but weren't into me, the ones that were interested in me but I wasn't in them (or didn't notice) and the ones where there was mutual interest. Probably on an even split. I can't recall that anybody ever fell out with me over it. (Well apparently Martyn Jack did, but I never noticed).

In the wise words of George Micheal......

[taromazzy.livejournal.com]

Sex is natural
Sex is good
Not everybody does it,
But everybody should.

Think that says it all, really :~>