andrewducker (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
andrewducker) wrote2016-01-02 02:03 pm
andrewducker) wrote2016-01-02 02:03 pm
I am not a naturally good person
Note: I'm making an effort to write more personal stuff on my journal. Sorry if you're just here for the links.
Other Note: This is public. If there's something you want to say to me that's specific to recent events then scroll back to something on a filter and post it there. Or email me.
I've had a few people say lovely things about me recently, and I realised that some people are thinking of me as a naturally nice guy who just naturally does The Right Thing.
Ahahahahahaha.
No.
In my time, I have failed to end relationships for months afteer I should have ended them, because I couldn't bear to face a hard conversation.
I have completely fucked up the ends of relationships by cheating on person A with person B. And then been so messed up by the resulting situation that I ended up cheating on person B with person A.
I have lied. I have pushed people into making the decisions that I wanted them to make using a variety of tactics.
And I have been immature, irrational, and very frustrating to be around in for many people. I have rationalised selfishnesss repeatedly.
I have done these things out of fear. And out of anger. And from having the self-control of a rat on crack.
My niceness is something I have worked on. A _lot_. It's something where I've put in place rules to make sure I do the right thing, and that I take what self-control I do have any make the most use possible out of it.
Rules like "If I'm asking myself if I should tell my partner something or not, then I have to tell them." Principles like "Secrets are impossible. Do not take any action thinking that the person it will hurt most will never find out about it."
And I have done so because, bit by bit, empathy has been beaten into me. Because I have been hurt, and I have not liked it, and I do not want to be the person who hurts others. (Or, possibly, I want to live in a world where people don't hurt each other. And that means doing my bit to make that universal.)
And whenever something happens that hurts me, I think "Did I ever do this to someone else?" And then I think "Shit. I need a new rule/principle."
This happens less and less as I go along. I do seem to be now getting to the point where I'm very rarely hurting other people, and when I do it's because of a disagreement over the best course of action, rather than because I've done something that I thought was the right thing to do..*
This isn't easy. It's work. It means putting a lot of effort in, and thinking about my actions a lot. It doesn't come naturally.
And that's why, when people tell me I'm being a good person I take it as a real compliment. Because it means the hard work is paying off.
*I still do really stupid things. I didn't think before making a post two weeks ago and really hurt someone that I care about a lot. But it wasn't something where I did something thinking it was the Right Thing To Do and then backtracked, I just wasn't awake when I did it, and did a massive "Oh Shit!" when it was pointed out to me how stupid I'd been. And then apologised repeatedly for days.
Other Note: This is public. If there's something you want to say to me that's specific to recent events then scroll back to something on a filter and post it there. Or email me.
I've had a few people say lovely things about me recently, and I realised that some people are thinking of me as a naturally nice guy who just naturally does The Right Thing.
Ahahahahahaha.
No.
In my time, I have failed to end relationships for months afteer I should have ended them, because I couldn't bear to face a hard conversation.
I have completely fucked up the ends of relationships by cheating on person A with person B. And then been so messed up by the resulting situation that I ended up cheating on person B with person A.
I have lied. I have pushed people into making the decisions that I wanted them to make using a variety of tactics.
And I have been immature, irrational, and very frustrating to be around in for many people. I have rationalised selfishnesss repeatedly.
I have done these things out of fear. And out of anger. And from having the self-control of a rat on crack.
My niceness is something I have worked on. A _lot_. It's something where I've put in place rules to make sure I do the right thing, and that I take what self-control I do have any make the most use possible out of it.
Rules like "If I'm asking myself if I should tell my partner something or not, then I have to tell them." Principles like "Secrets are impossible. Do not take any action thinking that the person it will hurt most will never find out about it."
And I have done so because, bit by bit, empathy has been beaten into me. Because I have been hurt, and I have not liked it, and I do not want to be the person who hurts others. (Or, possibly, I want to live in a world where people don't hurt each other. And that means doing my bit to make that universal.)
And whenever something happens that hurts me, I think "Did I ever do this to someone else?" And then I think "Shit. I need a new rule/principle."
This happens less and less as I go along. I do seem to be now getting to the point where I'm very rarely hurting other people, and when I do it's because of a disagreement over the best course of action, rather than because I've done something that I thought was the right thing to do..*
This isn't easy. It's work. It means putting a lot of effort in, and thinking about my actions a lot. It doesn't come naturally.
And that's why, when people tell me I'm being a good person I take it as a real compliment. Because it means the hard work is paying off.
*I still do really stupid things. I didn't think before making a post two weeks ago and really hurt someone that I care about a lot. But it wasn't something where I did something thinking it was the Right Thing To Do and then backtracked, I just wasn't awake when I did it, and did a massive "Oh Shit!" when it was pointed out to me how stupid I'd been. And then apologised repeatedly for days.
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It's work for everyone who does it. As you say, it should get easier as the rules and principles become ingrained, but that doesn't mean people can't or shouldn't put the work in.
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And all of the people who think that there are just "good" and "bad" people and don't realise that at least some of the good people got there through hard work.
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I find more good than bad on the whole!
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I know that I can make a relationship last a year based on self-delusion. Knowing how to gracefully end relationships earlier when they are not working out takes a self-awareness that is beyond me.
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Do you have any friends who can give useful feedback?
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Nothing like repeatedly getting your arse kicked to motivate the development of wisdom :-o
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