When you don't see me

[andrewducker]

I've heard people complain that when their friends get a new partner they don't see them much any more.  It's hardly surprising.  Well, not seeing them much any more is hardly surprising - I never cease to be surprised by people who are amazed that their mate is prioritising a new partner over them.

Go back 18 months and I was hella-social - out pretty much every evening, always meeting up with people to do something, gaming two days a week, badminton on a third, writers group on a fourth, and usually booked for at least two others.  If you even could find a girlfriend who would slot into that remaining day, would it be much of a relationship?

As it was, I feel that I deliberately started the relationship slowly.  I've had a tendency to leap headfirst into relationships in the past, not really thinking about where they were going, not managing them, just letting them flow around me.  But after a few...problematic situations, I was taking this one carefully - not wanting to make any of the mistakes I'd made before.  And so we deliberately kept some of our own space.  We kept some time to ourselves.  We didn't move in with each other in the first six months.

But slowly we realised we wanted more time together than we were getting - the writing group went first, and then the Amber game.  I stopped booking myself in to see people as much, so that I wasn't spending more than one evening in a row away from Julie.  I developed...an attachment.  Which is pretty damned natural, as without that, why would you want to be in a relationship at all?

And part of this is that we're still doing a lot of stuff - even the minimal level of friends/family maintenance meant that I spent Friday and Saturday last weekend at people's birthday parties, the weekend before we dropped in on a friend getting engaged, saw friends in the park with bikes, and got to see Star Trek.  Last night I was helping her pack and getting an early night so she can fly to Belfast to visit her grandparents at short notice.  Next weekend we're both visiting my parents.  The weekend after that we might even get both days to ourselves.  Maybe.

Plus, of course, Julie is doing a PhD - which eats up most of her brain/life, and stresses her the hell out.  This will continue, no doubt, for the next year.  I've seen relationships torn apart by PhDs before, and I went into this with my eyes open, determined that we'd make it through this one.  But it does mean being there to be supportive, and not leaving Julie feeling like she's worked 6 long days in the week and I wasn't there on the last one.  It means being there so she can read things to me, and get grammar/structure feedback.  It means keeping her company last night while she writes an abstract for a conference so that it can be sent off before she flies to Belfast.  It's not always easy/fun - and sometimes the stress gets to me.  But I remind myself that I'm not dealing with someone who's naturally crazy - that pretty much everyone who does a PhD orbits the Nervous Breakdown singularity, and then things get better again.  And in the long run it will be worth it.  Soooo worth it.  I get to be in love with _Dr_ Julie.

So you're not likely to see me much.  And it doesn't mean I like you people any less.  It just means my focus is elsewhere.  Which is something I do find intermittently difficult - I miss seeing people, I sometimes feel left out of the tide of gossip, drama and emotion that would swirl around me.  But when it comes to making the choice between that and being here for Julie, of making the time for her, of spending the time _with_ her, it really isn't a difficult choice.

Comments

[pisica.livejournal.com]

I can't speak directly for AD, but I suspect that when the PhD candidate finally becomes Dr., the supportive partner is equally relieved. :)

And the support is invaluable. It's interesting how it's tailored to the individual - I don't think AD ever read any of my thesis, but that wasn't the sort of support I needed, so I don't think I even asked him.

[likeneontubing.livejournal.com]

I think the problem I've experienced is people neglecting their friends almost totally to be with a new partner all the time, (IE not coming to birthday parties etc), then when they split up expecting to be *bestestbuds* once again after all that time spent apart and neglected.

I still manage to see my partner, *and* my friends on a semi-regular basis, if other people can't be bothered then they aren't really friends.

[ishkhara.livejournal.com]

It's a completely natural situation that you want to spend time with someone who is such a huge part of your life and I'm sure most friends will accept that. *nod nod*

[poisonduk.livejournal.com]

Dr Julie sounds so nice!!

And we all have our lives and social lives. I've always put Kirsty before anything I do - on occasion I will get childcare if something extra special is required of me(for example Morag's birthday party). Having to apologise for having a partner isn't a requirement of anyone. You should enjoy your time with Julie as it'll fly by - jeez 18 months already, it only seems like yesterday you were grinning inanely over a canteen table telling me about this girl you'd sort of been on a date with the night before. As you grow older both of your priorities will change - as long as you still have _some_ time for your friends that is all that is really needed. Anyone who judges you otherwise doesn't really deserve to be called a friend.

[d-c-m.livejournal.com]

I totally understand. :)

Hearth and home...

[zornhau.livejournal.com]

It's worth it.

[zz]

The one that usually annoys me is when you *never* see the friend without their new partner in tow.

[aliiis.livejournal.com]

What Kate said, basically!

I think sometimes a change in your circumstances, whether it's a new partner, studies or a new job (I know I found it changed a lot for me when I went from being a student, the vast majority of whose friends were students, to us all working full-time at different places) can clarify things for you in terms of making you weigh up your various priorities. It's good to be aware of who and what you feel it's important to make time for, which friends you would drop everything and do anything for, and which ones you actually just hang out with because you happen to be in the same place a lot. What you're really interested in, to put it another way. It sounds like you're really interested in Julie, which makes sense, so good for you! :D

In my case I've found it sort of goes in cycles, there was one period of about a year where me and Don were really unsociable and preferred to stay in and just be together all the time. I think it was shortly after we'd moved in to our first flat and he'd started working and I'd got a bit more serious about my studies. As it's gone on I think we've both become more outgoing, and each developed closer friendships with 'separate' people - not that we don't like/see/get on with each other's friends, but there are definitely some people who are clearly one or the other of ours, eg. Alice's (ex-)colleagues, Don's band. Then other times we are both out separately most nights of the week, and even times where we both need a bit of space and it feels good to get away from the flat and the other person for a few hours or even days (I hope that doesn't sound terrible! it seems to make you appreciate them more when you get back home). It's all totally personal and subjective, but in our case it's always been important to both of us to feel quite independent and to have interests that don't need our partner to be involved or 'validate' them, iyswim.
I think we've got a pretty good balance just now, and if all's well, as time goes on you just become more receptive to what the other person needs, whether it's support (cos non-PhD people get stressed too!) or space.

tl;dr version: yay :)