Now all I need to to do is learn to play guitar

[andrewducker]

(Verses 1 and 4 + the chorus came to me in the shower two days ago. Verses 2 and 3 followed in the shower today. Showers are clearly the places to be.)

We were young and we were lonely
lost among the shifting sands
"Penny for your thoughts" I asked you
And we walked home holding hands

chorus:
Keep me in your thoughts forever
Never let there pass a day
We may never be together
We are lost now, come what may

What we had was built so quickly
Forged from Air and Life and Light
Both of us as much astounded
that we'd found someone so Right.

chorus

For a while we had forever
Living in a state of grace
Had no thought of past or future
Were each other's time and space

chorus

There was never any reason
Nothing I could hold to blame
For everything there is a season
Someday you'll forget my name

chorus

Comments

[marrog.livejournal.com]

Sweet, very ballad-y. A little twee, but the right tune could make it work.

One issue with the scansion: most of it scans reasonably well in trochees (x/, as opposed to iambs, /x), or close as damnit (exceptions can always be made), except the line 'THAT we'd FOUND someONE so RIGHT', where the emphasis on 'someone' really doesn't work, and 'SOMEone' doesn't either. Probably the best way to scan this line in near speech rhythm would be in triplets, with a molossus (///) followed by a dactyl (x//) followed by a three beat with two rests. Okay, I'm mixing musical terminology with prosody here, sorry. Anyway, that wouldn't fit with the rest of the piece. Basically, it doesn't scan right. Although God Knows it might all work differently to music. Aaaanyway...

Sorry if that was all a bit overwrought. But the more formal your style, the more you have to worry about such conventions. I would offer a harsher, more in-depth analysis and critique, but I have a feeling it would run into thousands of words and possibly be a little harrowing. I have a history of upsetting my friends when I annotate their writing.

On other news, Ari and I would like to start meeting regularly to do writing exercises and prompting each other and critiquing each other's work, and your name came up as someone who might be good fun and useful in that context. You interested?

[pennski.livejournal.com]

I liked the wistful past-tense approach. I found the last line then contrasted strongly with this mode - for me it read as very bitter. I think this is a good thing - a less bitter ending would have headed into twee territory.

Do you have a tune in your head too? And is it the tune or a work in progress?

[andrewducker]

I don't have a tune as yet. I mean, I do slightly, but nothing to speak of. I really need to learn an instrument so I can futz about and try things :->