At age 45 I'm still discovering things about women

[andrewducker]

I can't tell if women assume that the things that happen universally around them also happen around men, or if they know that men aren't aware of them and think that it's pointless to mention them.

Because it was many years into my life that I heard about some of the awful things that women have to put up when walking around. Because nobody has ever yelled sexist things at a woman when I've been standing next to her. Nobody has ever followed a woman I'm with down the street for fifty feet asking her on a date until she has to go into a shop to hide from them. Nobody has ever exposed themselves to a woman I've been standing with. (To pick a few examples of things that have happened to women I know.)

And I didn't tend to find out about these kinds because women actively told me. I heard about them through being there when a woman was telling another woman.

Today's one was hearing from a female friend that since she changed her profile picture three days ago (to a really lovely portrait) that she's had six friends requests from guys she's never met, and has no friends in common with. And then having her friends chime in with defense methods (not allowing friends requests from people they have nobody in common with, setting their photo to be something other than their face), and to mention how often this happens to them too.

Which makes me wonder what other things are happening to women that I have absolutely no idea about.

And, going back to my opening line, I've had both reactions from women. Sometimes amazement that "How can men not know?" and sometimes "There's no point telling a man, he won't be supportive." I suspect we're going to need several more #MeToo moments to get more of this out in the open.

Comments

[lilysea]

& sometimes a man can be perfectly lovely and mostly supportive,

but STILL not realise what it's like.

I know a man who is very in favour of pro-choice, women's equality, writes great female characters, etc etc

who still told me it sounded as though I was overreacting by feeling threatened by a dodgy-seeming guy getting too close to me and acting dodgy on the street at night.

I'm a short, fat woman in a power wheelchair.

The guy who told me I was overreacting said I was overreacting because *he* wouldn't have felt threatened by dodgy-guy.

I said, "yeah, but you're a 176cm tall man who can walk very fast and doesn't have a wheelchair.

The risks you face, and the degree to which someone sees you as a target, are very different to the risks I face, and the degree to which someone sees me as a target."

In the end I had to give up, because I couldn't convince him - I think because he couldn't cope with the idea of me having been in danger, so he had to convince himself that there was no danger.

[rmc28]

Oh yeah, being told you're "overreacting" is my least-favourite response to describing shitty things happening. Or "overthinking" is another one (that one comes up more when talking about microaggressions).

[azurelunatic]

"But you wouldn't have felt threatened if he was attractive."

Look buddy, 95% of "attractive" in a dude is behavioral. Enough conventionally handsome men have been creeps that it's no longer a look that helps a guy's cause.

[rmc28]

Completely agreed!

Also, I'm married! I'm distinctly Unavailable to anyone other than my spouse, thanks, and I like to think I'm pretty good at signalling that behaviourally, as well as wearing the ring. Doesn't matter how pretty someone is, they rapidly stop being attractive if they push my boundaries.

[azurelunatic]

I was describing my fear about a security guard at old-work displaying interest in me, and my (otherwise excellent) friend asked whether I was more or less fearful than other women. I am generally less. He was incredulous, and we started talking about our background level of fear/sense of safety in any given situation. He was so blown away by the idea that women in general have a strong feeling of unsafeness in so many common situations where he would feel safe.

Hilariously, he has himself experienced street harassment as a woman, just the once. He has very long and beautiful hair, and someone yelled after his back, clearly seeing the back of a woman. He made the calculation that he would be in danger if he turned around, so he got out of there quickly. I don't think he had applied this more generally, though...

[fyre]

"Overreacting" needs to die in a fire. It's as bad as "not all men". Yeah, not all men, but enough men. Sufficient unidentified men. Sometimes more than average because they're drunk men.

Overreacting and hysterical seem to be the go-to words to try and stop women from expressing distress and it makes me want to stamp on people :(