"'Hidden rules that everybody knows' is not a useful mental model of how people act"
Eh, I'm not so sure about that. As an antidote to imposter phenomenon, this is useful; but the fact is that far too often, people act as if there is a hidden rulebook, because they express disapproval of behavior in the kind of thunderous, coming down like a ton of bricks terms that would be appropriate if there were a specific rule written down in clear terms. And then when the victims of this ask, semi-sarcastically, "What rule did I violate?" they get lectured on how there are no rules. (Then stop acting as if there are.)
Sometimes, in fact, behavior gets denounced so wholesale that it leads one to wonder, not what the rules are, but what the denouncer thinks non-offending behavior would even look like. (Classic example: the man who denounces half of women for being prudes, the other half for being sluts. What's left? Unfortunately there's also a breed of women who denounce men in equally stringent terms.) But if you ask, the answer is, "It's not my job to tell you that." I've been told this in so many words. But if they think it's not their job to tell you what would be right, they do think it's their job to tell you what's wrong, at great length.
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Eh, I'm not so sure about that. As an antidote to imposter phenomenon, this is useful; but the fact is that far too often, people act as if there is a hidden rulebook, because they express disapproval of behavior in the kind of thunderous, coming down like a ton of bricks terms that would be appropriate if there were a specific rule written down in clear terms. And then when the victims of this ask, semi-sarcastically, "What rule did I violate?" they get lectured on how there are no rules. (Then stop acting as if there are.)
Sometimes, in fact, behavior gets denounced so wholesale that it leads one to wonder, not what the rules are, but what the denouncer thinks non-offending behavior would even look like. (Classic example: the man who denounces half of women for being prudes, the other half for being sluts. What's left? Unfortunately there's also a breed of women who denounce men in equally stringent terms.) But if you ask, the answer is, "It's not my job to tell you that." I've been told this in so many words. But if they think it's not their job to tell you what would be right, they do think it's their job to tell you what's wrong, at great length.