Addressing ettiquette and wedding stress

[andrewducker]

I'm sending out wedding invites at the moment, which is making me aware of all sorts of in-built biases in the conventions surrounding how we address people. I'm skipping over a lot of it by using first names for everyone, but even then there's a question of order. For older people I'm largely going with Male Partner, Female Partner, Children in order of age, but reversing the male/female order when the email address is for the woman of the house. For people nearer my own age I'm going with "Partner I know best->Partner I know less well, Children in order of age". Lesbians go in the order that I'm used to people putting them.

The whole invitation thing has been more stressful than I thought, largely because the venue has space for 80, and it turns out that Julie and I have 57 family members between us, so there are only 23 spaces for friends. This means that we've had to cut some cousins I haven't seen in 20 years, and restrict a few people to not having +1s if we're going to fit in even the people that we see/chat to on a regular basis, and a couple of really old friends. And the reception can take 30 more, but that still left us with 57 people that we don't have space for. I just hope people understand.

Comments

[susiemutha.livejournal.com]

This may sound really cheesy...but, invite those who are closer to your heart...friends, family, whatever...that's all that matters. After the fact, send everyone else an e-mail with a video of the wonderful event attached.

It is sad that there has to be a set limit though. My brother's wedding was that way because it was at a place specially made for weddings and his wife and her family were all about proper etiquette. All the other weddings I have attended were wide open venues...my favorite was in a park where there was room for hundreds of people, no seating arrangement, etc.

Whatever the case..it will be you and Julie's special day..enjoy, be happy, and make a wonderful life together!

[momentsmusicaux.livejournal.com]

Don't think I've ever spotted you at the monthly lesbian stacking meetings!

(There's a lead in for another joke there should someone wish to take it.)

[henriksdal.livejournal.com]

argh I can't spot the lead in, can I have a clue?

[henriksdal.livejournal.com]

really? I'm sure I say ari and lizzie in interchangeable order, and it's always Mo & Erin. I don't know why.

[andrewducker]

Their LJ name is lizzie_and_ari

And Erin & Mo have stated a preference at some point, which is why I do it that way around.

[henriksdal.livejournal.com]

oh well, I'm wrong on both counts. Must have missed that memo

[andrewducker]

I don't think it matters that much :->

[henriksdal.livejournal.com]

oh but it does, Anju

[andrewducker]

Seems to be a tradition with my family - having been invited to all of the weddings of the cousins on one side of the family it would be rude not to invite them back.

And yes, parents on both sdies are contributing a fair chunk to this. Otherwise it would be being held in a cheap hall somewhere.

[andrewducker]

Troublesome, innit?

Good luck with yours - I've already had Nick telling me awesome snippets :->

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

Yeah. R and I have just been through a similar process, and I think we did it quite well, but I was definitely surprised to see that even when we started with an intention of "don't worry about 'correct' etiquette, just invite people you want in whatever form of address they would prefer or you would usually use", there were all sorts of little and less little things that weren't trivial to decide.

[momentsmusicaux.livejournal.com]

It's a 'what do you call a...' joke. And one which lowers the tone substantially. Is that enough of a clue?

[http://users.livejournal.com/puzzle_/]

Those who care for you both will understand. Of course everyone I'm sure would want to share in your day, but sadly that isn't always feasible. If they don't understand, well...... :)

[lalajia.livejournal.com]

Nothing useful to say, except my cat dropped dead the night I wrote out the wedding invites. I think you're already catless, so you should be safe! ;)

[henriksdal.livejournal.com]

what do you call a stack of lesbians?

[moussaka-thief.livejournal.com]

inviting?

[momentsmusicaux.livejournal.com]

:)

[marrog.livejournal.com]

And Erin & Mo have stated a preference at some point

We get called Mo & Erin by nearly everyone and I don't remember ever expressing a preference - and Morin is as prevalent as Errag (that is, 'not very'). Weirdly if one were using my full name, I think 'Erin and Morag' sounds a little better than 'Morag and Erin', but no one ever calls me Morag any more, certainly not in conjunction with Erin.

Ari and Lizzie were always Ari and Lizzie until their LJ happened. Now I'm not sure which I use more. Interestingly 'Lari' is used for them way more than either of our nicknames as far as I'm aware...

[marrog.livejournal.com]

A carpet sale?

[andrewducker]

I've not heard Lari.

And I started putting Erin first after you asked for it, a fair while back (and the same with Errag, which I started using after you said that was what you preferred. I think it was over at your place, I said Morrin, and you said you preferred The Errag. I don't have documentary evidence, of course :->

[marrog.livejournal.com]

Weird, I can't think why I would've expressed any Erin-first preference.

As to Errag I definitely do say that when people say Morin but it's actually "The Errag" because it sounds like some sort of monster. I actually think portmanteau names are daft and don't care whether people use them or not, or what they use if they do.

[andrewducker]

I had generally thought of The Errag as a large monster with huge teeth, of the kind depicted in children's books when I was a child :->

[alitheapipkin.livejournal.com]

I have this to look forward to but my usual convention is to address people as person I know best, partner, children in age order. I flatly refuse to address anyone as Mr & Mrs Hisfirstname Surname but hopefully that won't be an issue.

I have precisely 4 family members coming so most of the Boy's Irish relatives are not getting an invite because otherwise it would be my four plus hordes of Irish folk, the vast majority of whom I've never met, and no friends at all! We have been able to put our foot down about this because we are paying for everything ourselves, and by agreeing to have a party in Belfast for his Dad's side at some point...

Several local friends are currently on the evening only list but may get bumped up to full invites if some of my old uni friends can't make it.

[d-c-m.livejournal.com]

Although this has probably been stated, 40% of your people won't show and that does not include those who don't show on the day. Also this is your wedding and Julie's wedding and it is fine to let people know you have a budget and must stick to it.

[andrewducker]

Of the 27 people to respond so far 26 have said yes. I suspect the attendance rate is going to be pretty high.